Letters From The Delta Quadrant

Excerpts From Lesser Known Letters Home
Terry — Feb 1998

Janeway to Mark:
You can keep the dog but I want the leash, the collar, and the fur-lined handcuffs back.

Chakotay to Cal Hudson, Amaros, Michael Eddington and other leaders of the Maquis Free State:
Have we won yet?

Chakotay to his mother:
Mom, you know that sweet Bajoran girl I brought home to meet the family? Well, things didn't work out as I hoped. Turns out she was a real phony. She owed her looks to plastic surgery and she was only pretending to like my friends. After I broke it off, she got pregnant and tried to claim that I was the father. Needless to say, we probably won't be seeing each other again.

Tuvok to wife T'Pel:
Just calling to let you know I'll be home late. Around 2530 A.D. or so. Should I stop off on my way by the Beta Quadrant and pick up some pizza at Noble Romulan's?

Paris to his father:
Good news: I'm back in Starfleet and I broke the Warp 10 threshold.
Bad news: I'm dating a Maquis and knocked up the Captain.

Torres to her mother:
Bad news: I picked a shiftless, good-for-nothing, human p'taQ for my mate just like you did.
Good news: He can't leave like Daddy cause I've got him trapped on a small ship in deep space for the next 60 years.

Kim to Danny Byrd:
Having great time. Wish you were here.

Seven to Locutus (Picard) and Hugh, President and Treasurer of BDA (Borg Drones Anonymous):
Hi. My name is Annika and I am a drone. I haven't assimilated a species for over six months.

Seven to Data:
Hey there, sexy. I heard that you have a thing for blondes and Borgs. My turn-ons are implants, pasty skin, and all-night sessions of intense interfacing. Whether you're into organic or cybernetic lovin', I can show you the best of both worlds. Call me at 1-976-HOT-BORG to initiate first contact. I'm waa-ii-tiing.

Ayala to his wife, Anya:
Honey, I'm alive and well. I've missed you and the boys so much in the three and a half years that I've been lost in the Delta Quadrant. You must have thought that I was dead and started to go on with your life. You didn't go do anything foolish like get re-married now, did you?
Anya's reply:
Yeah.

Joe Carey to his agent, Maurie:
What's up with that B5 gig you were working on?

Samantha Wildman to her husband, Greskrendrek:
I'm happy to inform you that you are the proud father of a two-year old girl. BTW, can you believe that human-Katarian fetuses take sixteen months to gestate: nine months like humans plus seven months like Katarians? Well, can you?

Vorik to his former betrothed, T'Pera:
I wish to inform you of my decision to not to choose another mate. It seems only logical that you make the same decision.

P.S. Please send your detailed physiological specifications immediately. The ship's doctor believes that a detailed holographic representation of you may aid me in my ... meditations.

And please send the specs of your sister T'Perahooters as well. The Doctor has been conducting extensive hands-on research on holographic techniques of relieving stress in Vulcans and has expressed a desire for bigger a variety of test subjects.

Susan Nicoletti to her fiancee:
<Audio portion of the message lost in transmission.>

Pablo Baytart to his brother Richard and his sister Yasmeen:
<Video portion of the message list in transmission.>

Jenny and Megan Delaney to their sister, Elaine:
<Audio portion of the message lost in transmission. Partial close-captioned transcript recovered.>
Please send a dozen boxes quick. We're running pretty low and some Klingon b***h just took the last sponge-worthy male out of circulation.