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VC Compleat: The House-Husband's Club

In Touch with the Inner YAM
Erik(a) — 20 Oct 1998, 3:56 PM

'Sweet-tie, you're late again." Eric said nervously as he watched Kes Janeway enter Quarks. He was nervous because he observed that she was wearing the Shaolin Leather Suit of Justice again. He sighed as she sat down opposite him. Not only was she wearing the suit, but she had once again put on that awful tooth cap, and she had this sour expression on her face.

Eric, the Beautician of Voyager city (Well ever since Enome died two years ago) hated that leather suit. It was too form fitting, and it revealed too much to the men of Voyager City exactly what his precious little flower looked like under her petals.

"So I was with friends" Came the curt answer as she sat down opposite him. She continued. "Sometimes I feel like you want to be with me everywhere I go. I can have friends you know."

Eric did not push the issue anymore. He knew that he couldn't talk to her when she was in this mood. He decided to talk about something else

"Garak and I got together for lunch today. He was telling me of the beautiful ties that he got in today. I went to look at them, you should see them sweet-tie, they're real silk, such a wonderful delicate fabric and they are just soooo comfortable. I really hated those polyester ones, they always rode up on me during the hot days. Mr. Garak told me that these would never do that. I know that you said that I should be more careful with money, but when I saw them I could not help myself. I brought three of them........"

Kes was trying to ignore Eric's inane chatter in order to avoid howling. How she hated when he began to talk about shopping. That's all he ever did, talk about clothes, shoes and little trinkets, which he littered around the house that they shared. Kes found herself growing quite bored with him of late. When they first began to date, after she had asked him out, she thought that he was a good listener. Which was good because she liked to talk about herself and her inner warlord. But later she found out that he just wasn't interested in things like riding, shooting and six-guns. Oh sure he listened, but it was only two months ago that she realized he was thinking about fabrics and little cute animals (which he fashioned figurines after) during the whole time that she was talking about things like gunfights, Klingon Indians and Posses.

Finally Eric winded down and asked Kes,

"So why did you ask me here today Kes?"

She sighed, there was no easy way to say this.

"Eric, I'm sorry, but I'm moving out of the house."

Eric had known that this was going to happen. All throughout the week he saw the signs of Kes' displeasure. She was out late. And when she came back there was the smell of another man's beef jerky on her breath. She wasn't interested in making love to him anymore and he had heard rumors about her and another man.

He bit his lips to keep the tears from falling.

"Why, was it because of something I did?"

This part was easy for Kes

"No, it's because of who I am." She reached across the table and grasped his hand. "You're a sweet boy Eric, but you can't handle the darker side of me. The Inner Warlord. You want me to be like B'Elanna Janeway, sweet always home and waiting for her husband Tom, bowing to his every word and wishes. You want me to wear petticoats and sensible pixie shoes, instead of my leathers. I can't do that. I am not that type of woman. I know that eventually you'll find a woman who is just as sweet as you are. Someone who will stay home and listen to you talk about shopping and enjoy it. I just know that I am not that woman."

The tears were flowing freely now. Eric wiped them on the back of his Bugle Girl shirt. He would accept this, but first he had to know.

"Is it true?"

In touch with the Inner YAM 2
Erik(a) — 20 Oct 1998, 3:58 PM

"That I am going to live with Harry Janeway? Yes. Harry the Shaolin Gunslinger is the man for me."

Eric got up and summed all the strength that he had and said.

"I hope that you will be happy."

With that he stumbled out of the restaurant.


Timmy was putting the finishing touches on the needlepoint pattern that he sewed on the coffee cosey he had made for his wife Madame D'Alaire. He had noticed that when she was performing a Java Vision, she sometimes would leave her cup untouched for a long time and when she went to get another hit, her Java would be cold. He thought that she would appreciate the gesture. He was always thoughtful. That's what all the Church YAMmies said about him.

He stopped rocking in his chair when he heard a sound come from the crib that was next to him. Beata Janeway gave a loud cry having gotten up from sleep. Timmy bent down and picked her up and held her close to him as he began to lull her back to sleep.

"There, there" He said and began to sing softly in her hear. Beata's cries died down and after a couple of minutes, she went back to sleep. Timmy put her back in her crib and looked at her longingly. He had always wanted children. As soon as he and Madame D'A had been married, he wanted to start a family. But she wanted to get her "Seeer of Queens" business off the ground before making such a huge change in their lifestyles. While he agreed with her, he couldn't help but wish that the day would come soon. He was 28 years old and his biological six-gun was ticking. Taking care of little Beata Janeway was always a joy. Sometimes he would pretend that she was his own.....

A knock sounded at the door.

"I wonder who that could be" He muttered to himself.

He opened the door and found a distraught Eric standing at the door.

"She's leaving" He said silently.

Timmy didn't say anything, but gathered his best friend in his arms and held the young man as he cried his eyes out.


"Do you think that I look OK?"

Chakotay stood in front of the mirror with his cleanest pair of jeans on and shining cowboy boots.

Tom Janeway was at the door.

"You look fine. Now hurry up and let's go. I don't want to miss a minute of this party. I want to hear Eric's side of the story"

"I feel sorry for him."

"I know" Tom said. "I can't believe that Harry stole Kes from under his nose. That little hustler!!!"

"Tom, he's your brother!" Chakotay said exasperated.

"That doesn't mean that he's always right and I have to agree with everything he says." Tom said.

"The peel and stick tattoo looks fine." He stopped. "Well maybe not so fine" and he peeled it off and adjusted it. "There, much better."

He looked at the older man a little more closely and continued. "Also you missed a spot." He splattered a little of Grecian Formula on the comb and ran it through his hair."

"There" He stood back and admired his handy work. "You look just so handsome. Now lets get going."

Chakotay grinned and followed the younger man out of the door.

In Touch with the Inner YAM 3
Erik(a) — 20 Oct 1998, 4:00 PM

"Jim and Jason." I'm so glad that you could come. Come on in". Timmy took his two fellow Church YAMmer's hats and coats at the door.

"Thank you Timmy. It looks like you've prepared quite a spread!! Everything smells so good!!" Timmy blushed with pride. He was indeed a good cook. His Pumpkin and Apple Spice Pies always won first prize at the Voyager City Bake Off. Like most of the men in Voyager City he downplayed his talents in the kitchen.

"Well I hope that everything is OK. I wasn't too sure that the pumpkin was ripe enough......"

Jason rolled his eyes. He would give his eyeteeth to be able to Bake like Mr. D'Alaire. His wife Kathryn loved pumpkin pies and always raved about Timmy's. No matter how many times Jason copied the recipe and tried to duplicate it. It just never came out right.

"Jim" Mot France said, "How are you?"

"Doing well these days thank you. How's the counseling business?"

Mot was Voyager City's counselor and a lot of the men of the town's personal friend since he had helped each one of them at one point in time or the other with their relationships.'

"It's there." That was all he said. He was the City's counselor because he was a great listener and never argumentative.

"How's Eric?" Jim said in a low voice. He turned towards the young man who was embracing Tom Janeway and Chakotay Torres as they came into the front room. He looked like road-kill; his eyes were swollen and bloodshot but not surprisingly every hair was in place. He supposed that Eric did it himself.

"He's holding on. He's taken it hard."

"I can understand that." Jim said, remembering how devastated he felt after his own messy separation.

In touch with the Inner YAM 4
Erik(a) — 20 Oct 1998, 4:04 PM

"Women!!!!!" Eric said loudly through tears.

"Hear, hear" the other men murmured.

They were all sitting on the floor in the front room of Timmy's house in their PJ's with three empty bottles of Mer-lot scattered on the floor. When Mrs. D'A heard that Timmy was going to host a sleep over for a few of Eric's closest friends, in order to cheer him up, she had quickly decided that she was going to spend the night out on the town. Timmy was glad. He didn't want to have her hanging around when they got to talking about women. She had decided that she was going to catch the baseball game with Kathryn, Cowgirl Vickie, Peggy-Lou, Barty, Miss Ruthie, Miss Julie, Lee-Marie and Sevenita. B'Elanna had agreed to baby sit the respective children so that the men could have a free night from their babysitting duties.

"Kes always wanted to go out on the town and never stay home for a nice exciting game of scrabble. And the clothes that she wore!!!! They were so indecent. Women in this town should never be allowed to wear clothing like that. They should be in tent dresses so that they would show nothing of their bodies."

"I agree" Said Mr. Mot.

"And that's not all. The sex!!!! She wanted it all the time, all night long. A man could never get any rest. And it was so inconvenient. There were just some nights when all I wanted was to be held."

"Women can be so inconsiderate of that sometimes. To them intimacy is just sex, never anything else. That's the way society has thought them to be." Mr. Mot explained

"Kes was just so wanton, it was such a turn off!!! Just the other night, do you know what she wanted me to do?"

"No" The men said quietly and bent their ears towards Eric. "What?" they said excitedly

Eric told them

The collective gasps were heard across the room.

"Well I never!!!!" said Chakotay.

"I absolutely refused to do it." Eric was shaking his head vigorously.

"You go boy!!!" Tom Janeway said loudly.

"I tell you these women in this town are just too progressive. Sevenita made a pass at me just the other day."

"What did she do?" Timmy asked.

"She came right up to me and said, 'How would you like to my implants' "

"That little Hussy!" Jason exclaimed, "What did you tell her?"

"I told her what all of us feel in this room and have been afraid to tell her face to face." Eric began remember his indignation of being propositioned.

"I told her that I was a taken man. And even if I weren't, those implants are just too big and too fake for my tastes."

"I agree" Jim said. "I just don't understand......"

Eric looked around at all his friends. He remembered that he had to get a thank you card for Timmy, in the morning. This slumber party was sorely needed.

They never got any sleep that night

VC MAMs; Dead Old and Loving it!!!!
Terr(i) — 11 Nov 1998, 11:05 AM

"When did they extend this walk way !?!" Kiteman wheezed as he labored up the steps to the VC nursing home.

"I was only here yesterday and it certainly didn't take this long for me to get to the front door!!!".

His wife, if she were passing on the mainway in front of the nursing home would have disagreed with him. It did take him that long to get to the front door. In fact it took him that long to get there everyday when he went to visit Ole Mike D. He just didn't remember.

"Of course I remember" he grumbled to no one in particular. Kite was talking to his wife as if she were there, arguing with him. 50 years of marriage can do that to a man. His wife doesn't have to be near him for him to disagree with her. He did it as a matter of course.

A townswoman, passing on the mainway, glanced in his direction with a puzzled look on her face. When she saw who it was, she gave a smile. She should have known better than to be surprised given the day, the time and the location. The ritual she was witnessing was more regular and more predictable than that which accompanied the participants' bed time.

Ten minutes and two feet later, Kiteman was through the front door of the nursing home.

"Mr. Kiteman" Mrs. Sevenita Windes greeted him.

Kiteman remembered to start his breathing exercises, the ones that the doctor had taught him to do when he became excited and his heart started racing. He didn't know why, but every time he was near to Mrs. Windes he kept thinking of his favorite kite, and that would get him excited as he remembered the good old days. Good ole Barbie-Borg, a large kite made up of two round watermelon shapes across a rack. The kite material was silver in color and had always been a pleasure for Kite to fly because it never succumbed to gravity, like so many of the things in his life at this time.

"Come let me help you to get to Old Mike D's room"

"You're much too kind. Have I ever told you that you remind me of my favorite Kite......." Sevenita listened patiently even though she had heard the story every time as she came to drop her husband off to their twice-weekly card game with Ole Mike D in the nursing home. She knew that Kiteman would come in at precisely the time that she was coming out in order to tell her the story. He seemed to get such a thrill of telling the story that she always indulged him. She knew from being married to Reverend Windes, that at their age, it was likely to be the only thrill that he would get for the day.


"I don't need your help you young whippersnapper and I DON'T NEED YOUR GIFTS EITHER!!!!"

Eric closed the door quickly as the floral arrangement in the ceramic vase, which he had so lovingly slaved over, was shattered against it. He sighed. Ole Mike D was the most difficult patient on his nursing home visitation rounds which he did being part of the VC Church YAMmers Volunteering Brigade. Secretly he was jealous of the life that Ole Mike D had lived when he was younger. How he wished that his life had been like his. Instead of being a florist, he would have been a gunslinger turned gunsmith and would have been in the thick of the action whenever trouble was in town. But deep down he knew that it wasn't to be, he couldn't even load his six-shooter, far less aim and fire. No he had chosen the right type of lifestyle for the man he was. Eric gave a small smile. His florist shop and wedding catering business was thriving and he couldn't have chosen a better wife than the sweet, sensible, compassionate Kes. He was indeed very blessed.

VC: MAMs Dead Old and Loving it!!! pt 2
Terr(i) — 11 Nov 1998, 11:08 AM

"Mrs. Windes, you brought Mr. Kiteman to see Ole Mike D. Good to see you again Mr. Kiteman." Eric shook the old man's hand gently so as not to aggravate his digital arthritis. "Go right on in, he's there with Ole Max and Ole Rev Winds. and he's his normal cheery, cranky self."

"I HEARD THAT!!!!!" A voice bellowed through the hall. It had such a tremor in it that it sounded like a warped gramophone record. Sevenita smiled and Kiteman began his breathing exercises again at the sight of it.

Reverend Windes was nicknamed Ole Rev Winds as it was noted some years ago that his stories, though they were the same in content, seemed to get longer and longer each year. And of course there was another reason. Not that it mattered to Sevenita. She loved her husband as much as she did the day that she married him.

Kiteman shuffled into the room and saw three of his best friends sitting around a table. Ole Mike D was wheezing as tubes and bottles were connected to various parts of his body. Ole Max was in a chair next to him with his walker at his side and Rev Winds was busy shuffling the cards for their game of Poker. Well as busy as one can be when one keeps forgetting what number he's on during the third round.

"Kite, you fool, shut the door before that young whippersnapper comes back in here and wants me to teach him how to play!!" Mike D shouted

"What took you so long Kite?", Ole Max called out to him. "Did they extend the walkway to nursing home again?"

"As a matter a fact they did. I don't know what it was with these young'uns these days, they can never leave well enough alone........"

"That reminds of the time 20 years ago, when I was still a youthful 45 years old......"Windes started

His three companions rolled their eyes. This particular story could take days, if they counted the amount of times that Ole Rev Winds would fall asleep while telling it.

Ole Max snored and then coughed. "Who you're trying to fool, you old fart, twenty years ago you were 75 years old!!!!"

This was the way the always greeted one another affectionately, with insults

"Speaking of old farts, where's JTM?" asked Ole Mike D.

VC: MAMs Dead Old and Loving it !!pt3
Terr(i) — 11 Nov 1998, 11:10 AM

"WHAT!?!" came a voice from the doorway. Mad Man Miles was wheeled in accompanied by five of his ahem...young nurses.

Kiteman began his breathing exercises again. His doctor had always encouraged these poker games. Somehow or the other his breathing was a lot more regular at the end of it.

Ever since he had struck it rich years ago, Mad Man Miles had always had the employ of seven of Madame Maxine's prettiest fillies (one for each day) in his sprawling ranch. It was his way of thanking Madame Maxine for the invaluable help that she gave him during the time when he struck the Mother Lode. Madame Maxine's House was now being run by her daughter, but her mother still lived in a house next to the Provential, in order to "keep an eye on things".

When he was younger, and it was observed that the particular fillies in question would be unavailable a day after they had been up at his Ranch, people would ask with a wink what "went on up there?" To this Miles replied that they "shared needlepoint techniques and would stay up all night just talking".

Most people were astonished at he could give such a reply with a straight face and it was the nature of the reply that earned him the nickname JTM, "Just Talking" Miles. JTM was actually the name of a horse that was owned by a woman named Lee-Marie. No-one else ever mounted that horse but Lee-Marie who rode him hard and rode him well. But he was most famous for being the oldest horse in her stable to win the Leola Root Festival Race one year, beating horses 1/3rd his age. With him being so famous for his performance and Mad Man Miles claiming that he never performed, people thought it would be ironic if they had the same initials.

He normally asked five of the girls to accompany him when he left the ranch. With all the things that needed attending when he traveled he required the extra help. And there was also a maid to bring his favorite invention, which he took with him every where that he went.

One of his nurses wheeled him over to the table where the other four were sitting. The made brought his invention in and arranged it on side table next to him.

"Still playing with that thing?" Ole Max wheezed out at him.

"It's not a thing," Mad Man Miles replied huffily.

"That's right it's a contin-uo-us ab-ba-cus" Ole Mike D said.

"No, No, No it's a Comp_u_ter. And yes I'm still playing with it. Just last week it was acting up again and I had to change the tube from a 133 Meter Hoze (MHz) to an 85 MHz. The 133 was just too slippery and fast for me.

"Wasn't that thing, a 450 MHz when you first made it 45 years ago?" Kiteman asked.

VC MAMs: Dead Old and Loving it!!! pt 4
Terr(i) — 11 Nov 1998, 11:12 AM

The others rolled their eyes. If Windes was long winded when it came to his stories about the "good ole days" Mad Man Miles was even more so when he got to talking about his continuous abacus.

"Well yes........" he was all prepared to go into a long explanation when he caught sight of his maid picking up the pieces of the broken pottery in Mike D's room.

"Sonya!!!!," Miles yelled in alarm. "Don't pick that up, you'll cut your hands and how will you needlepoint my initials on my feeding bibs later. Let Paula do it after she gets me my cigar."

"Don't you dare light that thing in here?" Windes said when Paula produced the cigar and was about to give it to Miles. "With the amount of oxygen and alcohol in here, you'll kill us all when we're in our prime."

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking", Miles said as Paula removed the cigar from his mouth.

Just then Windes had finally finished dealing out all the cards.

"Hey I thought we were going to play poker?" Max said. "Why did you deal out all the cards?"

"Isn't that what I was supposed to do?" Windes asked perplexed.

"No, No, NO!!!" roared Mike D, the tremor in his voice more noticeable than ever. "You're supposed to do that for Spades you fool!!!!"

"Well leave it let it be." Kite replied. "We'll play Spades. If he deals out another game, it'll be our nap time by the time we get started playing."

The others agreed. If there was one activity that was sacred for each of them at their age, it was nap time. They ensured that nothing ever interfered with it.

"JTM, did your nurses bring the goodies?" He continued.

"Ruthie?" Miles asked questioningly. He always kept a nurse whom he affectionately called Ruthie in loving memory of the woman who had given him more joy and excitement in his life than any other woman. Miss Ruth Gulch, deceased schoolmarm of Voyager City. She was the woman who taught him how to tatter, sew and embroider. He was a changed man after he had met her.

Another perky young nurse came up and took out their treats. There were bowls of cream of wheat, bowls of pureed apples, a bowl of prunes and a strained carrots; Mike D's favorite.

"Hey Max did you bring the 'juice'?" Mike D asked.

"Got it right here." He grinned as he brought out a brown paper bag and extracted a bottle of Southern comfort.

"I hope you made the cocktail right. The last time you put in too much apple juice."

"Nope, the Missus made sure I did it right. One teaspoon of southern comfort and then fill the one liter bottle with juice." Max replied

"Good, now whose turn it is to start this game?"

"I believe it's mine" Kiteman said.

"No it's mine" claimed Windes

"Are we supposed to start from the right of the dealer?" Miles asked.

"His right or your right?" asked Mike D.

They never did play a game before nap time three hours later.