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Voyager Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Other Questions Janeway Answered Incorrectly on Starfleet Academy Exams
Ruth -- 25 Mar 1999, 8:30 PM

What? Janeway missed a question on something as simple as nucleotide resonance frequency in her Exogenetics exam, and Starfleet still let her have a command?

Geez Louise! Doesn't the military have any standards left in the 24th century? And that is not the only question she got wrong at the Academy. Here then, are the Top Ten Other Questions Janeway Answered Incorrectly on Starfleet Academy Exams.

10.From Animal Husbandry 137: What is the most effective birth control measure known to amphibians, particularly salamanders?
9.From Snap Decisions 474: You and your ship are far away from home, with no ability to contact Starfleet Command.
A strange vessel approaches, and its owner asks to beam aboard your ship. You:
a) ask him if he has any identification;
b) see that a guard is assigned to follow his every move;
c) inform security to take extra precautions in protecting confidential information;
d) give him full access to your computers, your password, and your credit card information in case he wants to sign up for some of those X-rated sites on the net.
She missed several questions on her final in Command Structure 704. For example,
8.What is the best way for a captain to maintain control of her ship when a new crew member is assigned to the ship who is younger, more beautiful, more curvaceous, and has a really annoying habit of saving the ship every week?
7.If you are marooned on a planet with a subordinate officer, who also happens to be a handsome man who cooks, cleans, and does yard work, how long should you wait before you decide you must enjoy sexual congress in order to propagate the species?
a) Never -- you're Starfleet!;
b) Six months -- standards are fine, but there is no rescue in sight and even captains have needs;
c) Two weeks -- if he has cute dimples, a devastating smile, and knows how to make coffee;
d) Day 1 -- if all that gossip you've been hearing about the size of his "spirit guide" has been making you curious....
6.Why is it inappropriate for a captain to lean her hip up against her pilot, or otherwise touch him in a distracting manner while he's at work?
5.From her nutrition course: It has been shown that too much coffee causes mood swings, irrationality, and depression. What beverages provide a healthier alternative to coffee?
She didn't even really try to answer those last two because she found them so nonsensical. She just wrote "false" on both exams, and went on to the next question.

From Crew Morale 147:
4.One of your officers has many good qualities but he has a tendency to crash or otherwise damage shuttles when he takes them out of missions. You should:
a) assign someone else shuttle duties;
b) let the officer prove his abilities in other areas more suited to his gifts;
c) let him continue to fly; he might improve, and you don't want to damage his self esteem;
d) invite the officer to your quarters for some "hands on" training on such things as taking those curves and riding through turbulence.
3.Write a 500 hundred word essay explaining why choosing a chef who can make nutritious meals that are both pleasing to the eye and the palate can be the most important decision a captain can make.
2.What is the most effective way to revive crew spirits on a deep space mission?
a) relax policies on fraternization;
b) let crew members start dating each other;
c) make certain areas of the ship designated "spooning" areas;
d) have weekly clarinet recitals
1.What is the most important ability a captain must have in order to maintain the respect and loyalty of her crew?
a) the ability to make consistent decisions;
b) the ability to sniff out danger in the form of seemingly harmless AOTW;
c) the ability not to maroon her crew 70,000 light years from home;
d) the ability to choose just the right hair style.

Some answers...
Jules -- 26 Mar 1999, 8:41 AM

Correct answer to number...

10.make sure that all shuttlecraft that go to warp 10 are single sex only.
9.Response (d). And make sure you give clear and careful directions to the armory as well.
8.Assign her to Engineering. Specifically, to deuterium tank scrubbing duties. And make sure that the Chief of Engineering sabotages her sonic shower. That should take care of the problem with her looks.
7.It really depends on whether the monkey sharing the planet with you is male or female.
6.What? "False" is the correct answer! Well, it would be if I were captain, anyway. With perhaps a rider to have the Beta shift pilot ready to take over at a moment's notice...
5.Diet coke. All the caffeine buzz you could want, an additional buzz from the artificial sweeteners, and only one and a half calories a can. Sounds healthier than coffee to me! In fact, the description on the can mentions "vegetable extracts" as well, so at a pinch you could also pretend that it was capable of warding off scurvy. Vital on those really long voyages. :-)
4.Response (c). But make sure that you only go on shuttle away missions with a more competent pilot at the helm. Of course, leaning your hip against him during the mission might compromise his safety record as well. And you really ought to make sure that the warp speed limiter cuts in at, oh, say about warp 9.9999999.
3.Two words. "Real coffee". You really need the other 498?
2.None of the above. After all, if you let crewmembers pair up, sooner or later they'll break up, and that will be detrimental to crew spirits. And Harry's not that good at the clarinet. Get the helmsman to devise a mellow, ambient, bar and pool hall for the crew to use as a meeting place to relax and let their hair down instead. Let them get friendly, but not too friendly.
1.Response (d), obviously. Power ponytails enhance command presence, and long hair is an essential survival tool for lighting fires when marooned on primitive planets after the ship has been stolen.