| 10. | Harry and Janeway. Topic: "My Mom Won't Let Me Grow Up!" |
| | Harry: She continues to treat me like a green ensign! And she's always asking me dumb questions like 'Have you cleaned your quarters?' 'Have you practiced your clarinet?' 'Why can't you be more like Tom?' .... |
| 9. | Chakotay and his friends. Topic: An intervention show, "You're A Shuttle Menace!" |
| | Janeway: Chakotay, giving up your shuttle won't make you any less of a man. Please give me the keys. [to B'Elanna] You try.
B'Elanna: Chakotay, we've been friends a long time, haven't we? Well, as your friend, please believe me when I tell you that Naomi Wildman can pilot a shuttle better than you can. |
| 8. | The Delaneys. Topic: "My Sister Stole My Boyfriend!" |
| | Megan: She stole Tom.
Jenny: Then she stole Ayala.
Megan: Then she stole Larson.
Jenny: Then I *gave* her Harry. [They both giggle] |
| 7. | The Monkey from New Earth. Topic: "They Did What! Or Not!" |
| | Neelix: And you're telling us, Mr. Monkey, that the Captain and the Commander were on that planet for months, living in tight quarters, with her running around half the time wearing nothing but a bath robe, and they remained celibate?
The monkey shakes his head vigorously in the affirmative, to the disbelieving gasps of the audience. |
| 6. | B'Elanna. Topic: "My Secret Pregnancy!" |
| | Neelix: And you're telling the audience that you went through nine months of pregnancy, continued to do your duty on the ship, even made out with your boyfriend in the back seat of a Camaro in your ninth month, and *no one* caught on to the fact that you were having a baby? |
| 5. | Seven. Topic: "I'm Not What I Seem!" |
| | Seven: Yes, Neelix, I've been lying for the past year. I was never Borg, I just got really drunk at a costume party back in the 20th century at the Las Vegas Hilton. I remember getting on the shuttle ride at ST:TE, and the next thing I knew, here I was in the Delta Quadrant. My real name is (the audience gasps as she .... he? takes off his mask) is Andy Windes, and I'm a repo man back in Vegas. |
| 4. | Tom and (via satellite) Owen Paris. Topic: "You Can't Hurt Me Anymore Dad!" |
| | Tom: So you see, Father. I've made something of my life here, and I'm proud of myself, and you no longer have the power to hurt me."
Neelix: Owen, would you like to say something to your son?
Owen: Tom, I got a call last week from the Penal Colony. They said you had an overdue laundry bill of ten bucks. I said, 'Well, that figures. That kid has no sense of responsibility. Makes a mistake, and he expects me to fix it. Well, I paid your bill. Again. I don't guess it matters to you if your mother and I have a cent to retire on. Oh no, Mr. "Oops I got kicked out of Starfleet, guess I lost my job, I think I'll go become a drunk, huh, or maybe a traitor." Why just the other day, I was telling your mother....
Tom runs from the set weeping. |
| 3. | Janeway. Topic: "Someone Has A Secret Crush On You!" |
| | Neelix: Well, are you ready, Kathryn, to find out who has been secretly waiting for you to notice him? Come on out, mystery man!
Chakotay walks out. Kathryn looks around him, then says to Neelix: Chakotay? You don't mean Chakotay is my *secret* crush? Absolutely *everyone* knows he's got the hots for me. Sheez....
She walks off the set while in the audience, Tom says, "I knew." B'Elanna says, "I knew, too." Harry says, "Really? I had no idea..." |
| 2. | Tuvok. Topic: "The Pon Farr Game!" |
| | Neelix: So, Mr. Vulcan, are you ready to choose one of the three lovely ladies we have hidden behind the curtain to be your partner for the delights of Pon Farr!
Tuvok: Yes, I am. Contestant number 1, if you were a Spice Girl, what would your name be and why? |
| 1. | Janeway. Topic: "A Mother Confronted by the Children She Abandoned!" |
| | Janeway [her voice cracking with emotion, to three sullen salamanders]: Don't you see, I had to leave you. What kind of life could I give you on this ship? Back on that planet, you had a nice slimy swamp to live in, and loving adoptive salamander parents..... |
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