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You Can Leave Your Hat On

REWRITE: Leave Your Hat On!!!!
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:18 AM

"You're going?" Chakotay stood in Lee-Marie's room, watching her dashing about getting dressed.

"I told you that I would." Lee-Marie stopped for a moment and watched her lover standing in front of her with a frown on his face. He had a rumpled look about him having just gotten up from sleep.

She had been with Ayala and Dalby all afternoon working to get the supplies ready for the drive after coming in from town. Chakotay had stayed with Miss Kate in town negotiating for supplies and hadn't come back until later. He had gone straight to Lee-Marie's room, meaning to wait for her there, and as was his custom had taken his shirt and shoes off and fell asleep on her bed.

When Lee had come in, she was surprised to see Chakotay on her bed. Things were a little strained between them because of the things that had gone on a couple of days earlier. But he seemed to be as good as he promised. When she saw he and Miss Kate together, she could tell that they just had a working relationship. He limited the time he spent together with her and increased spending time with Lee. Somehow, she was gratified to see that, but still her doubts plagued her. She also feeling a lot cooped up. For the past two weeks, everything was the "Drive" and it was driving her crazy. A night out with the girls was just what she needed.

She tip toed around and got ready, but he woke up as she was putting on her jewelry. He was surprised because she was wearing a skirt without being under duress. She knew that he didn't want her to go. In fact he had all but forbidden her to go. He knew that if he even attempted that, it would drive another blow in their relationship, so she knew he was trying every other method to keep Lee-Marie from seeing the Chip-Endales dancers.

As if it would work.

"I really am only going to get out of this ranch and to spend a night out with the girls, before we leave in the morning. It just happens that the only thing that's playing in town tonight is a bunch of silly old men who like to take their clothes off."

*The lead dancer is Antonio Swayze. I've only been waiting to see him strip for five years. Like h&!!, I'm going to miss this!!!*

"I still don't see why you have to go. What could you possibly see there that would compare with what you have home?" He put his hands on his hips and seemed to puff up his chest just a little.

Lee-Marie stifled a laugh. She walked up to him and kissed him on the mouth and put her arms around his waist

"Nothing. I know the prize stallion that I have in my stable is better than any stallion running loose in the corral, so you have nothing to worry about. Right?" Lee-Marie looked coyly up at him

"Right" He said slowly.

*I'll take it* thought Lee-Marie

"Don't wait up." She kissed him again and was gone.

Chakotay looked at himself in her mirror for a while, and flexed his muscles. Lee was right, he was a prized stallion whom a number of women had fallen over their feet to try and get in their stables. She knew exactly what she had waiting for her at home.




As Lee Marie saddled JTM and prepared to ride into town, she couldn't help but think with a smile.

*Is there anything more woefully over inflated as the male ego?*

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 2
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:19 AM

Baby take off your shoes
um, um, um,

Tom had been in the Ranch for a long time, steaming that B'Elanna had actually gone to see the Chip-Endales. After all what could they possibly have that he didn't have. He was a real cowboy, he herded cattle, rode horses, sweated, and spit. He was a real man!!! Did B'Elanna think that these men could actually be any better than he could? He found himself saddling Intrepid. He just wanted to take a quick peak just to prove his point to himself and so that he would be better to argue his point with B'Elanna when she got home from squandering her time and her money.

When he got to the Opera House he was surprised at the two congregations of men who were standing outside the windows on either sides of the main door. Both groups were trying to look nonchalantly in the Opera House. Tom was surprised to see Chakotay in one group and went up to him.

"What you're doing here Chakotay."

"Ummm, I want to make sure that one of those hairy fairy dancers did not make a move on my B'Elanna, she is my daughter and ah aim to protect her from bad elements."

Chakotay was lying though his teeth. He wanted to know what it was about a picture of a man wearing cowboy boots, skin black jeans, no shirt and a cowboy hat could make the three women who he loved more in the world actually ask him for the money to see this show? Especially Lee-Marie. She had just told him how much of a prized stallion he was, and he knew that she meant it. She was always going on about his firm butt, his Tattoo and then there was the way that she seemed to be having a spiritual experience every time she saw him mounting JTM. And Kathryn, after all these years, you'd think that you know a woman and they do something to completely surprise you. Kathryn was not a woman who fawned over the sight of a stranger, even if the stranger was d@mn good looking. After all, he had been shirtless around her all the time and she never acted like that, and he knew that he had one of the best bodies around.

"Right Chakotay, so am I" Tom actually said the sentence without any malice in his voice. *Who does he think that he's trying to fool?*

"Boston Kid?" Tom looked at the gunslinger

"I am to keep my eyes on Kes also. With that leather catsuit, who knows what can happen." He wasn't particularly worried. Kes had gotten a good taste of him. Why would she go crazy over anyone else.

"But I must say I am surprised to see Timmy the Eunuch, here. Shouldn't you be ironing for Madame D'Alaireux?"

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 3
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:21 AM

"Nope TB 1. Ever since I've had my Ponn Farr Vision there's been no more Ironing for this Eunuch"

"What has there been instead TB 2, Cooking?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

The two seemed to be squaring off and suddenly Timmy pulled out a Bath'leth. The gunslinger paled. He certainly didn't want to go the way of Tim, Tim of the Jungle. He put his hand on his six shooter, ready and waiting.

Chakotay headed them off. He walked up to Timmy and asked softly. "Who is that?" He pointed to the strange man incredibly handsome man who seemed to possess instinctive class, natural grace and quiet dignity even though he held a ceramic goose in one hand. Timmy put away the Bath'leth, which was collapsible, in his gun belt.

He whispered, "They call him Mad Man Terry Miles, gold prospector. He just got into town. Schoolmarm Miss Ruth apparently knows him pretty well. Madame talked about him once after she came from her Housewives club meeting. She said Ruth kept going on and on about his hands." Timmy gave a knowing smirk.

Tom had overheard their conversation. He knew that Schoolmarm Ruth was talking about Terry Miles' ability to tatter. She had told him about his amazing hands, every time she saw him. She talked about it quite enthusiastically. He knew that she had always told him that you had to have good hands in order to be able to tatter, so he guessed that that's what Terry Miles liked to do. After all that was the type of thing that Schoolmarms got excited about.

"Just what do they talk about at this Housewives club anyway? I know that Cowgirl Vickie formed it right after we decided to stop calling on one another?" Timmy wisely kept silent. The last thing he needed right now was for that Indian to get pigheaded.

"Evening Boys"

"Evening Big Jimbo. What are you doing here?"

"The Marshal sent me over to keep and eye on things. He wanted to make sure that if a 'fire' if you will was ignited here, my boys and I would be on hand to 'cool' things down."

The Marshal had done no such thing. Big Jimbo had made it his life work to try and understand women. He felt that it was necessary to do so in order to ensure that none of the women whom he was courting would ever leave him. If necessary, he wanted to be the one who would terminate relations. That way the rumors of the unbelievable satisfaction that he was able to give to women would always be true. What he didn't know that there was only one person believed those rumors which he had started. His last three girlfriends had left him because they were tired of him charging that they were 'whiny' when they were feeling 'a bit under the weather', which happened at least once every month. Quite frankly, he thought that it was good riddance to a bad lot, but was a touched concerned that no other women besides Aylannna Lang had shown interest since then. He just wanted to make sure that he knew exactly what it was that women wanted by way of 'entertainment' so that he could increase his repertoire and guarantee her satisfaction with his performance.

"Oh Lord, I have looked and mine own eyes have seen the near occasion of sin that this event has created. Watch over the women here, make them go back to their husbands, as innocent and as pure as they were before, especially the innocent Sevenita, who knows nothing of what is going on here, of what it might mean for her......"

Leave Your Hat On!!!! pt 4
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:22 AM

Reverend Windes was praying hard. And every time he made an invocation, he looked through the window and kept his eye on Sevenita and the Chip-Endales.

A ROAR went up from the crowd.

Baby take off your shirt,
Come on, just take it off

The men outside scrambled to see what had happened.

"Quit shoving, I can't see." Tom pushed Timmy out of the way in order to get closer to the window of the Opera House.

The sight that greeted their eyes caused them to fall silent immediately. The dance troupe men were taking off their shirt and moving their hips in such a motion that should only be done in the privacy of one's own room, with one's own woman. The Voyager City women were going crazy. The frequency of Miss Julie's fan increased exponentially with every passing minute. Her mouth seem be forming the same words over and over again. To the observant, it would have been noted that her lips were forming the same words as they were before

Oh my, oh my, oh my


"Oh my, oh my, oh my" Miss Julie kept fanning to herself as a blue-gray gentleman who had a worn a redshirt with one silver pip on his color, (it was now on the floor) and an especially tight form fitting pair of black jeans, approached her. She looked around swiftly and when she saw no-one was watching her, (They were all focused and Mr. Swayze), she put a five dollar bill in his trousers and gave him a swift pat on the bum. He smiled sweetly at her and then rejoined the others. She continued to fan herself and repeat her mantra, however there was a smile on her face that wasn't there before.

She was satisfied that the others didn't see her because their attention was focused on Miss Peggy-Lou, Miss Barty, and Miss Racine, who were in the middle of trying to put their money in the trousers of a certain Mr. Swayze. They gave him so much that he did something that was not part of their normal routine; he allowed them to dance on the stage with him. Their hands were all over the man, getting their money's worth. They were, after all enterprising women and they knew as well as Quark that this opportunity would not be afforded them again, so they decided to take full advantage of it. It was a full five minutes before Mr. Swayze was able to persuade them to return to their seats.

Meanwhile, a rather handsome young man with blond hair, a roguish look about him, and incredible gray eyes saw a woman with maroon gloves crook her finger towards him, with a fistful of dollar bills clutched in her other hand. He walked up to her and she put the bills very discretely in his pants.

"Much obliged Ma'am. May I tell you that you have the most increadible brown eyes that I have ever seen."

"You may." She answered with a touch of modesty. He continued.

"I trust that you have seen a little of your fantasy on this stage tonight?"

"Actually I haven't."

"Well now, we can't have any one of the Misses here going home without being satisfied. What would you like to see?"

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 5
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:24 AM

She leaned over and whispered something in his ear. The dancer turned a bright red, and he was immediately grateful that the heat of the House could explain it away. He walked away with a glazed look on his face and rejoined the troupe. He was visibly shaken and this was the reason why he missed the next three steps of his routine. The Woman in Maroon gave a small smile.

Later, he slipped a piece of paper on her table. She pretended to be caught up in what the other dancers and the Women of Voyager City were doing.

In the middle of the dance, Mr. Swayze approached Kes, and crooked his finger at her to follow him. She stood up swiftly and sauntered out to join him.


Eric the gunslinger paled. Kes was wearing the Shoalin Leather suite of Justice.

"Well now, it seems that your six-shooter is not enough to keep young Miss Janeway satisfied" Timmy began to snicker, but stopped when he saw Madame D'Alaireux join Kes. He looked at her closely and he began to look worried. He recognized her sway. She must have done an Expresso Java Vision during the show and once she did that, it meant that she would be........

"And it's not only my six shooter that seems not be performing these days. Have you been having a problem with blanks lately?" Eric the gunslinger shot back.

"I may be a Eunuch, but thanks to the Ponn Farr Vision, I can assure you that I can shoot with the best of them and that includes you."

"Oh yeah, PROVE IT!!!" Eric the gunslinger charged.

"I JUST WILL" Both moved their arms to the belts of their pants. (gun belts that is)

"WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST STOP IT!!!!!" The rest of the men in the window shouted. "WE DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY OF IT."

"And that's assuming that there's any of it worth seeing" Tom muttered to Chakotay under his breath. Chakotay gave him a quick look. "I've heard that the gunslinger is not really that good a shooter." , Tom explained.

"Who told you that, Ole Mike D?" Tom let that slide.

Luckily the two men didn't hear him.

"Oh saints preserve us!!!!" Reverend Windes exclaimed. The men turned their attention to the window again. Sevenita had joined the crowd dancing with Mr. Swayze. The women in Voyager City made such a din to see what was going on that the men's ears were ringing.

The Reverend was praying hard. He only stopped when the three women were persuaded to return to their seats. Timmy of the Jungle gave a sigh of relief. Madame was so strong willed sometimes that he was never sure what she was capable of doing or not doing. Sometimes he didn't mind. But tonight, he did.

Leave Your Hat On!!!! pt 6
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:26 AM

Lee-Marie was sure that she was going to pass out with all the hooting and hollering and all that women's vapors in the room. Especially at the sight of Mr. Swayze. She was sitting at the table with Miss Kathryn, Miss B'Elanna, Cowgirl Vickie and a woman named Diane Artemis Gordon who was a colleague of Mr. Thomas Magnum. Suddenly, Mr. Swayze held up his hands as part of the dance routine and sauntered over to the table where Miss Ruthie was sitting with Miss Peggy-Lou, Miss Barty and Miss Racine. She had stayed behind at the table while her three other companions had 'danced' with Mr. Swayze.

"Go on, look at them" Miss Peggy-Lou shouted above the din. Miss Ruthie shyly took his hands and looked them over.

"Oh yes," She said. "These would be excellent. Thank you for coming over here Mr. Swayze." She said though giggles. She put a couple of dollar bills in his hands.

"No not there," Miss Racine said wickedly, taking the money from his hands.

"Here" and she put it in his trousers.

Miss Ruthie could not stop giggling.

No one heard the loud crash outside.


Mad Man Terry Miles had dropped his goose and was examining his own hands with a bewildered look on his face. The Reverend gave a small smile.

"What?" Chakotay asked. Timmy grinned but it was Tom who answered.

"Miss Ruthie must think that Mr. Swayze has better hands for tattering than Terry Miles." Tom said by way of explanation.

"Oh" *What a strange pup pansy dignified gentleman!!!* Chakotay thought.

He didn't have time to think of anything else.


Baby take off your pants,
Yes, Yes, yes

The dance troupe bent down and removed their pants. There was barely the sound of Velcro and Lycra ripping because of the roar of the crowd, and they stood for a moment proudly in their underwear.

You can leave your hat on,
You can leave your hat on,
You can LEAVE your HAT ON

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 7
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:31 AM

The men outside were extremely quiet.

*That's just not possible. They can't all be that big? After seeing that, would our women still want us?* It was the thought on every man's mind at the same time.

The rationalization process began swiftly afterwards which was as usual for men their age.

*Nah, they must have put something in there to make it look so, socks maybe?*

*I thought I saw an advertisement in my private 'reading materials' for something called "The Bulge" that must be what they are using.*

It brought them a little comfort, if only for a short time


You give me reason to live,
You give me reason to live,
You give me reason to live,
YOU give me reason to LIVE

You can leave your hat on.

Kathryn had been trying to pretend that all of the going ons were just a group of women all together just going crazy the women were likely to do when they were together. But it was far from the truth. She had to consciously wipe the drool from her mouth, from time to time and she wished that she could just throw caution to the wind and act as crazy as the other women tonight. But she was Kathryn Janeway and she couldn't. She repeated it over and over until the pants came off.

Kathryn Janeway then lost it. She leaned over to Cowgirl Vickie and asked, "Can I borrow your lasso." Cowgirl Vickie kept a lasso with her gun belt at all times. You never know when it would come in handy, she reasoned. She handed it over to Kathryn who then gave a loud hoot.


She swung and caught Mr. Swayze and pulled him towards her. He seemed not to mind. When he was close enough, she bent him over her knee and kissed him on the lips; long and hard. The crowd near went crazy. When she released him, she gave him a crooked smile and then removed her lasso from him. He bent towards her and whispered something in her ear, and then sauntered away from her.

Cowgirl Vickie was the first woman around her table to recover from the shock of what Miss Kathryn Janeway had done She raised on arm in the air and bent it repeatedly at the elbow.

"Woof, woof, woof!!!!"

The other women had no idea what it meant, but it looked right somehow, they followed.

Cowgirl Vickie then propelled herself on the stage and began to ahem.....well.... "Dance" with Mr. Swayze. She was not alone. Artemis likewise joined Cowgirl Vickie and began to also "dance" with him. Lee-Marie likewise launched herself at the man, and standing behind the women so that no-one else could see her, she planted her hands on firmly on his butt for a long time. *Hey!!!* She reasoned. *If Miss Kate could cop a feel to my man 800 years in the future, I can do it now to a stranger*

She sighed. It was just a mite bit firmer than Chakotay's but for other reasons she preferred Chakotay's to Mr. Swayze. Any moment now those reasons would come to her...

Any moment now.........

Any moment.........

Lee-Marie gave up and joined the "dance". B'Elanna and Diane had also joined the dance session. The women on stage had covered every inch of Mr. Swayze so well, that the only thing you could see was his little hat, bopping up and down.

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 8
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:32 AM

Outside all Chakotay and Tom could do was stare in dumbfoundment. B'Elanna looked so intent on what she was doing and Lee-Marie looked like Reverend Windes whenever he saw Sevenita!!! The other men wanted to mock them for the way that their women were acting but they didn't have a chance because something happened and the hooting, hollering and all out bedlam which occurred not only prevented them from hearing anything, but the steam and the action of the Women of Voyager City prevented them from seeing anything.


Jason Canuck and Mr. Magnum were walking down the main way towards the Opera House.

"Did anyone tell you what the show was about tonight." Mr. Magnum asked Jason.

"No, but when there's an all woman show in this town which has caused such havok, it is the job of a reporter to find out how it went."

"Cowgirl Vickie didn't tell me what it was about either, but she assured me that as the founder of the Housewives club, she had to perform her duty and attend this performance of modern dance for women only, even though we had plans for tonight."

"So it's modern dance then. Well I'm glad that this is for women only. All those men running around in women's tights is obscene. I certainly wouldn't want to see it." Jason answered.

They stopped when they saw the group of men standing outside the opera house, peering in the window in silence.

"What's going on here?" Mr. Magnum asked.

The men parted like the Red Sea and Mr. Magnum and Jason made their way over to the window and peered in. After five full minutes of staring, Mr. Magnum turned to Jason and said.

"I don't see any tights, Jason."

Marshal Tuvok approached.

"I shall endeavor to reclaim the peace and quiet that Voyager City has been accustomed to." He walked into the bedlam.

The men looked at each other.

*What peace and Quiet of Voyager City?*

The Marshal was inside for a good fifteen minutes when slowly the bedlam died down and then he emerged from the House. The men breathed a sigh of relief until they saw him. He looked visibly shaken and seemed disheveled. It was later found out that overcome by vapors several women thought he was part of the act and had tried to jump him. Privately, he didn't think that was true of Miss Racine, he had seen that look in her eye way too many times.

Leave Your Hat On!!!!pt 9
Leonie — 5 Oct 1998, 7:34 AM

Suspicious minds are talking
They're trying to tear us apart
They don't believe in this love of mine

The women came out of the House.

"Did you see the one......."

"And did you see the cute little mole on his........."

"And what about the third one from the rear, did you check out his rear. I tell you......"

"What I absolutely loved was the way..........."

"I wish Howard could dance like that, it would make things go "smoother" between us."

The chatter was loud and incessant, until they caught sight of the men near the window looking sheepish.

They don't know what love is,
They don't know what love is
They don't know what love is

I KNOW what love is

The women took a long hard look at their men. Some were a mite bit arrogant, pigheaded, stubborn and quick to fight. Others were a little slow in the step, a little bit thick in the middle and a little balding on top. Some were just strange pups; enjoying strange things; exotic animal handling, leather and spandex, really tight corsets and ceramic geese.

Their looks intensified. As they looked at the men who were their gentlemen callers, their lovers, their husbands, and the fathers of their children, they began to see them in a brand new light. Each one of the women knew that the bodies of these men could nowhere match the near perfection they had seen just five minutes ago, but they were at loss to say how this group of men who they interacted with day in and day out, could look so sexy to them as they did at that moment.

The women changed their looks. Everyone understood what it meant. Without a word, they paired off and made their way back home.

You can leeeeeave your hat on,


If any of the men at the windows were asked later if they minded that their women had been to a strip show, they replied with cocky grins.

"Gosh no. It's OK, if they look. But they know the prize stallions that they have waiting at home for them and they are better than any fly by night dance troupe that would come into town. Right honey?"

The women would roll their eyes and say with a straight face. "Of course sweetheart" and the men would be appeased. But they knew better. It had been an unforgettable night and one that would fuel the Housewives Club for years to come.