The Coffee Nebula Board is for the discussion of Star Trek: Voyager and other sci-fi/cult shows. This is its Archive of episode discussions, top ten lists, fan fiction, and other miscellaneous musings.


Kim Phooey

Kim Phooey (Part 1)
Terry — 12 Sep 1998, 4:08 PM

Immediate followup to Leonie's There was indeed not time to lose....

Miss Kes, Lee-Marie, Deputy Neelix, and the Doc were riding swiftly westward towards the main ford at the Big Coffee where the confrontation between Nistrim and Ogla's men was most likely to occur. As they passed a copse of trees just beyond the turnoff towards the river, six mounted men appeared behind them.

Their leader, a big ugly brute, called out, "As I live and breathe, if it isn't Miss High-and-Mighty Kes Janeway herself. Need some help, darling?"

"It's Kaze's oldest son, Jabin!" Kes exclaimed.

"What do we do, Miss Kes?" asked Lee-Marie.

"I think --" spouted the deputy and the doctor in unison before stopping to glare at each other.

"No time for talk! We have to run!" Kes whipped her horse into a full gallop and was soon followed by the other three.

But the four had gone no more than a quarter-mile down the road before spotting another group of horseman on the trail ahead.

"It's more Ogla men!" cried Neelix. "We're surrounded!" agreed the Doc.

"No, we're not," calmly replied Kes as she plunged off the trail into the brush without even slowing. Lee-Marie followed without hesitation. After exchanging exasperated looks of disgust, the deputy and doctor did likewise. **Women!**

The chase northward continued for the next two hours. Their initial burst of speed had originally stretched the four's lead to nearly a half mile but the high-speed pursuit began taking its toll on the horses. (All except Lee-Marie's mount; he looked like he could keep up the torrid pace all day.) The pursuers with their fresher horses slowly started to close the gap.

"Kes! We have to slow down! The horses might break a leg in this rough terrain!" the doctor shouted.

"Kes, he's right! We have to find a place to hide or something!" added Neelix.

"They're too close for that! But look up ahead a few miles! See the smoke!" yelled Kes. "I think it's a fire from one of the Delta Q's line-rider's camps! We can make it there before they catch us!"

The four rode their exhausted horses around the last outcropping of rock hiding the fire's source with the dozen Ogla men hot on their heels. But what had appeared from a distance to be a chuckwagon and a small group of cowhands turned to be something very different.

The vehicle was a gypsy caravan, garishly painted in bright reds, blues, and yellows. "M*dame D'A*al*e*x, Seer *f Que*ns" in faded letters was painted on the side along with many undecipherable glyphs and runes. The people sitting around the small campfire were an old woman, a frail young man, a tall, lanky man, and a small dwarf. "Oh, no!"

Kim Phooey (Part 2)
Terry — 12 Sep 1998, 4:54 PM

Before Kes and her shocked companions could recover from their surprise, the camp was surrounded by Jabin and his men. Jabin dismounted and roughly hauled Kes down from her mount. "It were no use running, Kes. You're coming with us." His men also dismounted and pulled the other three from their mounts. "Pa always wanted title to the land around the Big Coffee an' with you as our prisoner, we aim to finally git it. Let's see Miz Janeway order us off when we're holding a knife to her little girl's throat!"

The tall stranger stepped away from the fire and placed his hand on Jabin's left arm which was cruelly twisting Kes' arm behind her back. "Please stop hurting her. She goes not wish to go anywhere with you. Take your men and go."

After overcoming his surprise, Jabin sneered, "You got a new boyfriend, Kessie?" His men cried out, "Shove off!" and "Keep your nose out of our business, Chinaman! If'en ya want to keep it!" and "Who does this yellow monkey think he is?!" Jabin started to shake his arm free of the stranger's surprising strong grasp.

"Aaiiiieee!" Jabin fell to his knees in agony as the stranger twisted Jabin's left thumb and wrist back in a painful yet unbreakable hold. Kes quickly went back to her horse. The stranger then released Jabin and calmy asked, "Will you go now?" The only reply was a choked cry of fury from Jabin as he and all of his men reached for their weapons.

Suddenly, the group of men exploded into a maelstrom of violence and harsh cries. The stranger seemed to be everywhere at once. A flurry of legs seemed to kick Ogla men on the right at the same time that open hands smashed into Ogla men on the left. Before Kes and the others could catch their breaths, their former tormentors were all strewn out on the ground.

All except Jabin himself. He groggily staggered to his feet with his pistol in his right hand, only to go down again after being hit with the flat of a large, sharp (kitchen?) knife. Surprisingly, it was the old? woman wielding the blade. Kes dazingly wondered, *She moves pretty gracefully for a old woman. Maybe she's NOT really that old?*

Several moments of stunned wonder were broken when Lee-Marie hurled herself at the tall stranger and wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. "Oh, thank you for helping us!" *Hmm, firm butt. Nice dimples.* She finally raised her head from his chest to say, "You saved us from a fate worse than death!" *You could smell the breath on those freaks from a mile away.* "Whatever can we do to repay you?" *Maybe if he had a nice tattoo over his left eye?*

Kim Phooey (Part 3)
Terry — 12 Sep 1998, 5:13 PM

Kes decided it was due time to take charge of the situation again. "Down girl!" she hissed at Lee-Marie as she unpeeled her from the stranger. "I'm speaking for all of us -- let his butt go! -- when I say that we're extremely grateful for your aid. My name is Kes Janeway and these two are my friends, Deputy Marshal Neelix and Doctor Holliday. You've already met Leonie-Marie Peters."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Janeway, Miss Peters, Marshal, Doctor. Doc Holliday?"

"I'm a doctor, not a gunslinger."

"Sorry. Let me introduce my travelling companions. These is Madame D'Alaireux, her twin brother Baktag, and her bodyservant, Timmy. My name is Kim, Qwai-chang Kim."

"Not to be unfriendly, Mr. Kim, but we don't usually see such colorful travellers in these parts. This is dangerous country. What are you and your party doing way out here?"

"Madame D'Alaireux and her party are snake-oil salesmen. I just met up with them a few days ago. Mine is the usual sad story: I am a ex-priest with a price on his head, fleeing the evil minions of the Emperor of China, searching for my lost half-brother, Harry, while spreading my message of peace, love, and understanding throughout the American West."

"What do you do when people don't want to follow your path of peaceful enlightenment?"

"Usually, I beat the crap out of them until they do."

"Enlightened, indeed." (Pause) "Well, I'm sorry to leave so abruptly but we have an urgent mission. We must be going -- Lee, I said going! Remember Chakotay's tight jeans!"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"-- You and your party would be made welcome at the Delta Q if you're travelling that way. Maybe we'll meet again."

"Perhaps. Farewell. May you succeed in your mission."