Heartbreak

Heartbreak
Leonie — 16 Oct 1998, 10:18 PM

Clopclopclopclop......

The wind beat furiously against her skin as she rode. It was still a bit chilly at the end of spring in April at night, even though the days were warm and held the promise of a good summer. At any other time, the wind would have been invigorating to the rider. This time it just seemed to accentuate the chill in her body.

Clopclopclopclop......

Her heart pounded. It seemed to match the pace of her mount. She crouched low in the saddle and edged him on with a slight dig of her spurs. He increased speed as they traversed the Nekrit Expanse. When they reached the base of one of the Little Coffee tributaries, her horse prepared to jump and she readied herself, by almost tucking her body into a tight curl. JTM was airborne for only a couple of seconds but it felt like eternity to Lee-Marie. She didn't know if the butterflies that were in her stomach was due to the jump or to the sick feeling she had in the bottom of her stomach about what she was going to discover that night.

She figured on the second.

When she left the Ranch, she had set off at a brisk enough pace. All Lee-Marie could think about was getting away from the Delta Q. She didn't care where she ended up. She simply picked a direction and left. As she continued to ride, her thoughts and anxieties instinctively made her lead her horse on faster and faster until at last it seemed as if JTM could go no faster. It was only when Lee-Marie found herself cursing her mount that she realized exactly how fast they had been going and had allowed him to slow down. She then realized how far out they were and realizing that she could be ambushed at any time, she decided to turn around and head back to the Delta Q and face whatever decision had been made.

"Why?"

It was the question that kept coming back to her.

"Why me? Why now? I was just beginning to get comfortable. It just held so much promise. I just thought that for once it would work out...."

It had seemed that it would

Lee-Marie knew why. She knew what she had been denying, avoiding and hiding away from. She thought that it would just go away.

It had seemed that it would.

But it had been a time bomb just waiting. Waiting on something to happen. Something that would force her to remove her head from the sand, and face the cold hard truth.

***

"Chakotay I......"

"Kathryn," and with that he kissed her.

Lee-Marie closed the carriage door silently.

There was no more denying it now, there was no more running away from it. Mr. Chakotay Torres was in love with Miss Kathryn Janeway. His mannerisms said it. They had been the warning bells that were ringing in Lee-Marie's mind. The scene that she had just witnessed played over and over again in her

Heartbreak pt2
Leonie — 16 Oct 1998, 10:20 PM

mind. The bells were now silent. They didn't need to ring anymore because the message that they had been trying to convey had been heard and understood.

The Durge had begun.

No tears.

It always surprised her how she could feel her heart break and still think clearly. In fact, things seemed to have come into sudden focus. As if she was seeing through a dirty window for the past six months and someone had just come along and cleaned it.

She knew what needed to be done.

Very slowly she walked back to her own carriage and sat down. She looked at her sleeping companions. It had been a long and difficult drive, but they had made it. The sale had been successful and they were now on the way back.

Lee-Marie had looked forward to spending some more quality time with Chakotay. But she knew that she would not be able to do that.

In the end she had a feeling that she would be spending her quality time

Alone.

She ended not sleeping that night.

***

"It was nothing, Lee. It was just because of the things going on with Tom and B'Elanna, that's all." Chakotay argued vehemently

The thing that seemed to twist the knife more in Lee-Marie's back was that he really believed it. If she knew that he was lying to her, it would be easier to get mad and stay mad at him; to raise her fury at him. As it was all it did was intensify the hurt.

"No it was a lot more than nothing. And you know it. You just don't want to admit it to yourself. You're feeling guilty because the reality of the situation is that you are in love with two women and you never realized that until two nights ago." Lee-Marie was more soft-spoken than he had ever heard her; in fact he had to strain to.

Chakotay opened his mouth to argue, and then shut it as he realized that she was right. He never realized how good it was to have this out there between them instead of fighting to keep it out of his thoughts. He convinced himself that if he ignored it, Lee wouldn't notice it and things would just continue. He should have known better. Lee could read him like an open book. He always thought that this was a good thing; until now.

*Argue with me , Chakotay!!!! Tell me I'm wrong!!!! Tell me you love me like you did, that night on the drive!!!!!* The thought came screaming out of Lee-Marie's head. She didn't know where it came from and as swiftly as it invaded her, it left.

The silence was long and drawn out.

There were still no tears.

Her voice was still soft spoken as she continued.

Heartbreak pt 3
Leonie — 16 Oct 1998, 10:23 PM

"In a way, I'm as much to blame for this situation as you are. I didn't want to see what was so painfully obvious....I thought that in time......."

*In time that you would forget about Kathryn, that you would love only me. But it didn't happen and now... Now, now.......*

" I didn't intend for this to happen." He said softly. Chakotay turned away from Lee-Marie unable to face her.

"I know you didn't" Her throat constricted and she felt her mouth go dry as she forced herself to say the next phrase.

"You have a decision to make Chakotay."

And with that she had taken her leave of him.

Lee-Marie led JTM into the stables and left him, saddled up. All of a sudden she couldn't wait to hear what Chakotay's answer was. She knew him and she knew that he would make it that night. Knowing what was going on and living day to day ranch life would be unbearable for all concerned. A decision had to be made and the consequences dealt with now.

She paused and took a deep breath before leaving the barn and walked swiftly to the Mr. Chakotay's house. It was indeed now or never. He wasn't there. She supposed that he went out for a while to clear his head, and she decided to do something in her room before she went back to his house to wait for him.

It seemed that she was breathing normally when she was walking towards the house. She didn't know why and looking back later, Lee-Marie had a feeling that she would never guess what made her do it. What it was inside of her could make her sense when something was going on that she didn't want to know, didn't want to see and yet manage to see it in it's worst light.

She made her way silently up the stairs in the main house. Lee-Marie didn't know if Miss Kes or Miss Sevenita and her entourage would be lurking about, right now she didn't want to talk to anyone. It was then she heard it, coming from Miss Kathryn's room. It was one word uttered with such longing that if anyone else had said it, she would have found it endearing....

Kathryn.

The decision had been made.

Lee-Marie clutched the banister as she felt everything inside of her crumple and fall like a house of cards. She couldn't move. It seemed like she stopped breathing. She had just taken a breadth before she heard the sound and had forgotten to exhale. She felt her body settling down on the stairs. She forced herself to breathe. Her heart hammered. If she hadn't undergone this kind of pain before, she may have cried out for help.

But as it was, she knew what heartbreak felt like.

The house swam around her and the nausea increased. She heard another cry. It seemed to snap her out of it. Swiftly she marched out of the house into the stables. JTM was there as she left him, saddled up and ready to go. The first time that she tried to mount him, she found that she couldn't. Her legs had turned to jelly. Somehow, after three aborted tries, she mounted him and rode off into Voyager City.

To be continued in "Lessons in Love"