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Dead Man Strikes Pay-Dirt

I think Terry should be found dead of exhaustion.
Terry — 22 Sep 1998, 6:22 PM


Dead Man Strikes Pay-Dirt

by Ace Reporter Jason Canuck
Voyager City Chronicle

The emaciated body of prospector Terry Miles was discovered today in a mountain cabin. Located high in the Mountains of Venus, the log cabin was isolated by snow drifts all winter long. Mr. Miles had been entertaining a traveling troupe of Madame Maxime's dancing girls early last winter when they were caught by a early winter snowstorm. Rescuers were unable to reach the trapped party until the recent thaw. The prospector and the dozen women had to survive for four months on nothing but a barrel of whipped cream, a keg of chocolate syrup, and a tub of marischino cherries. The twelve women were rescued and found to be in good health and excellent spirits.

When asked how they managed to keep from freezing to death without any firewood, Miss Megan Delaney replied with a broad smile, "By keeping under the covers, sharing body heat, and by continuous, intense physical exercise." All twelve survivors unanimiously agreed that Mr. Miles had saved their lives by his constant exertions to entertain and comfort each of them. But they declined to explain why no attempt was made by the occupants to dig themselves out.

Apparently, Mr. Miles expired just last week. The coroner's early report attributes the cause of death to extreme exhaustion, dehydration, and phlebitis of the lower extremities. Two inexplicable features on the corpse were a great, big smile on his face and an (**CENSORED**).

Mr. Miles died before learning that his gold claim had made him a multi-millionaire. His claim to the fabulous Quarterstaff Gold Mine was uncovered by a title search only days after his cabin was snowed under. But mysteriously, Miss Jenny Delaney insisted that Mr. Miles had remarked over and over again about striking the mother lode.

The Miles fortune is now in dispute as the prospector died intestate. (Winked Jenny: "Au contraire! I can assure you that Terry was fully functional right up to his last -- uh -- breath!") There are now conflicting claims by the twelve dancers and Madame Maxine herself.

Clare Darrow, attorney for the poor unfortunate and grief-stricken twelve girls, stated in her media release, "I plan to bring to suit to claim the Quarterstaff mine on behalf of my clients, who are the common-law widows of the deceased Terry Miles." Complained Madame Maxine, "I'm running a business, not a charity! At $5 a pop dance, I figure the bastard's 12 million dollars only pays for the first two months! They get the gold mine and I get the shaft!"