Original Verse

Voyager Limericks
Various Authors

Readers, take heed of my final warning
While drinking coffee in the morning:
For once you read this smutty drivel
Your eyes will burn and your brain will shrivel.

Tim Holden — 24 Jun 1998

There was a young Borg named Seven,
When scored out of ten - she's ELEVEN,
With her costume so tight,
And her Borg enhanced might,
That wimp Kim is passing up Heaven!

Review Boy (Jim Wright) — 24 Jun 1998

There once was a redheaded captain
To Chastity she was well tapped in.
A butt-kickin' fighter
Whose legs were closed tighter
Than the outfit the Borg chick was wrapped in.

In Latin, "personae non Felix"
are people fed daily by Neelix
His root of leola
is worse than ebola
And unzips yer dang double helix.

Terry — 26 Jun 1998

There was a young ensign named Kim
Whose experience with love was quite slim.
He acted the boob
One time in a tube,
When kissed by a Borg on a whim.

The ship had a skipper called Kate
And an Indian dude as first mate.
A bathtub he built her
To act as a philtre.
But The Powers That Be cried, "Let's wait!"

There once was a pilot named Tommy
In a cave with a Klingon quite balmy.
She came on too strong
And he knew it was wrong,
But she soon had him calling out "Mommy!"

There was a sweet girl freed from Kazon
Who wore smocks quite modest, not brazen.
One day she thought whether
She'd look good in leather
And a-toting two six-guns a-blazin'.

There was a Maquis named B'Elanna
Depressed on her last Day of Honor.
To her suitor's cajoles
Of accessing controls,
She agreed 'cause she thought, "I'm a goner!"

There was a cute Borg, name of Seven,
Who soon got the YAMs' hearts a revvin'.
A catsuit, she wore
And the ratings did soar,
Sending Berman and Braga to heaven.

There once was a pilot named Paris
A engineer lass he did cherish.
He woke up one night
And cried out in fright,
For the lass, she had bit him in bare ass.

There was a young ensign named Harry
Whose dream girl had implants quite scary.
Her gelpacks were pleasing
But her cargobay freezing,
And he left her alone still quite cherry.

Tim Holden — 29 Jun 1998

There was a technician called Rom,
with Gonads unfeasibly long!
He may Leeta smile,
so he dangled a while,
then tucked it back into his thong!

Tim Holden — 30 Jun 1998

There once was a Vulcan named Spock,
who had an amazing......
When showed to Uhura and Admiral Nagura,
they both fell right down in shock!

Review Boy (Jim Wright) — 30 Jun 1998

Though Tuvok's an old centenarian,
Each pon farr reveals what he's carryin'.
When his Vulcan cucumber
Awakes from its slumber
The female crew turns vegetarian.

Review Boy (Jim Wright) — 01 Jul 1998

The captain was thinking of thanking
The crew with increases in ranking
Mr. Kim got new pips
Miss of Nine earned her whips
But young Tom was content with a spanking.

Marie — 01 Jun 1998

The Captain was thinking of spanking
the boy who wrote poems about hank'ring
for a Mistress who whipped
from her smooth leathered hip
and left him with red cheeks to thank him.

Mrs. Mac — 01 Jul 1998

Janeway in ruby lip-sticky
Offered Chakotay a quicky
A kiss on his cheek
Made him whimper and speak,
"Can I now turn around for a licky?"

Marie — 01 Jul 1998

My Mistress tied me in knots of silk;
her breasts were creamy as milk.
I expected some soft feminine rubbing
but got a sound drubbing,
Oh, what a lucky boy am I!

Terry — 01 Jul 1998

There once was a sexy Borg beauty;
Got posted to late night morgue duty.
When they brought Neelix in,
She flashed him some skin
And revived him by shaking her booty!

In Mortal Coil, Neelix was moody.
To Seven the Doc said (quite snooty),
"To wake him from his trance,
You must now whip off your pants
And revive him by dancing all nudie!"

In Mortal Coil, Seven of Nine
Pulled Neelix from Heaven sublime.
But no one did know Borgs
Like corpses from cold morgues
And with implants construct Frankenstein.

Mr. Mac — 01 Jul 1998

Janeway admired the commander,
For his pluck, his spunck and his candor.
She held out her hand
And gave the command,
"Five rations and I'll give you a hand-er!"

"Five rations! You've got to be jokin'!
What? Kathryn, have you been smokin'?"
"I'm charging what's fairest
'Cause you ain't no Paris!
He's worth every prod and a-pokin'!"

"Five rations!" He cried, "What a rip-er!"
She wiggled a thumb at his zipper.
"I'd charge you three
If you were worth it to me,
But you ain't packing a big dipper!"

Andy — 01 Jul 1998

Lovely Seven of Nine's a dispassionate kind;
Carnal lust wasn't part of her ways.
Then an earthman named "Repo,"
Showed her his love-depo.
And the poor girl walked funny for days!

D'Alaire — 01 Jul 1998

There once was a con from 'Frisco
Whose reputation hung quite low
When B'Elanna Tom spied
Her jaw dropped real wide
And tossed off her glass of Merlot.

There once was a Borg from the Raven
Whose virginity she was savin'
But when Harry said "Please"
And dropped to his knees
She knew that she'd soon need a bathin'

There once was a Capitan called Kate
Whose sex life with Mark was just great
She pulled her legs closed
'Till thought she'd explode
And did when Chuck broke through the gate.

Roxanne — 01 Jul 1998

There once was a Nebula called Coffee
Whose thoughts were not always lofty.
But then they found boys
Who loved all their toys
And then things really got naughty.

Terry — 01 Jul 1998

The Nebula has turned me awestruck;
The crude verse is running amuck!
With Katie a-whipping,
Chakotay is stripping;
While Tommy and Tuvvy go duck. (Well, what did you expect I'd finish with?)

D'Alaire — 02 Jul 1998

There was a CofNebbie called Eric
Who might well have lived in a barrack
First Kes caught his eye
But then she went bye
Now Seven leaves him quite hysteric.

Tim Holden — 03 Jul 1998

Paris did break the threshhold,
But was it just stupid..or bold,
Transformed with Janeway,
in a Salamander way,
This episode just leaves me cold!

When we all break through Warp 10,
Will our genes all screw up again?
Will we all grow flippers,
and not need nail clippers?
or just loose our hair like Ben........(Sisko!)

When Paris made ulitmate speed,
he decided to spread his seed,
It was the captain,
he impregnated in vain,
who gave birth to seals with big brains.

Terry — 03 Jul 1998

Marie, of Las Vegas, did dream
Of conning with credit card scheme.
But mice's and women's
Best-laid plans are lemons.
And her friends found the strip-search a scream!

Marie — 03 Jul 1998

To Hoover Dam bearded Terry did travel
with two damsels and two Mikes from afar.
When the sign readeth "No Pets,"
you know we did our best,
but that scrappy lad wouldn't leave the car.

Terry — 04 Jul 1998

There once was a gal, name of Tracy,
Who thought herself cool and quite racy.
But with each of her squeals,
The sad truth she reveals:
The poor chick is cadet rather spacey.

Tracy — 04 Jul 1998

There once was a fellow named Terry,
Gullible? Yes, he was very.
When asked for his cash,
he obliged in a flash,
Without even posing a query.

Tim Holden — 07 Jul 1998

There once was a noble Klingon,
Who woke up one day with his ridges gone,
He looked with dismay,
in the mirror that day,
so he found a cornish pasty and stuck it on.