Other Musicals

Into The (Delta Quadrant) Woods
Jules — 17 Jun 1997

Sung to Agony from Into the Woods

With apologies to Steven Sondheim and James Lapine, I present for your consideration the Voyager-enhanced version of a song from "Into The Woods". In the original this is sung by Cinderella's Prince and Rapunzel's Prince, lamenting the difficulties of their respective suits. I suppose I could have used Chakotay instead of Neelix, but somehow he doesn't seem the type to unburden his woes on someone else!

TOM:    The girl I adore
        Thinks more of the warp core
        Than she does of me.
        The bat'telh she wields
        Completely reveals
        Her feelings for me.

        Agony!
        The way fate deals its cards
        When she only kisses you
        While fighting to shake off pon farr.

NEELIX: The love of my sweeting
        Alas, far too fleeting!
        Then I lost her heart.
        To my consternation
        She craved complication
        Then gave up the part. (Sorry, Eric!)

        Agony!
        When she won't be your wife
        And conveniently can't recall
        That she said her race mated for life.

BOTH:   Agony!
        What could make her so cruel?
TOM:    Am I losing my hair?
NEELIX: Or was it never there?
BOTH:   That I'm played for a fool?

TOM:    Am I not sensitive, clever, | I didn't think these
        Well-mannered, considerate, | four lines needed
        Passionate, charming,       | changing, so I left
        As kind as I'm handsome,    | them as they were.
        And witty as well?
NEELIX: She thinks you're a smart-arse -
TOM:    I'll let that one pass -
NEELIX: A friend's duty's to tell.

TOM:    The girl must be mad!
NEELIX: You know nothing of madness
        Till hair pasta duels
        Make you jealousy's fool
        And her wearing black leather
        Brings you to the end of your tether.

BOTH:   Agony!
TOM:    Misery!
NEELIX: Woe!
BOTH:   Different problems each week.
TOM:    The demands of the plot
        Decide whether or not
        She'll kiss or bite my cheek.
BOTH:   Agony!
        That can cut like a knife!
        Ah well, on to "Real Life".