Mary Sue, Billy Bob, And Their Crew

The Nebula Gang's Love Boat Vacation
Ruth

It is the Spring of 1999, and the Notorious Coffee Nebula Gang is walking the plank, er, walking UP the GANG plank of the luxurious Pacific Princess, ready to enjoy their second vacation together, this time on the high seas. Last year's crew, Mike "Legs" D. and his missus, "Mrs. Legs", Ginny "the Mouthpiece" McCoy," Flite "Helmboy" Man, Terry "the Computer" Miles, "Rusty" Marie, Four Eyes Thompson, Andy "Repoman" Windes, T'Racy "GI Jane" Pod, and Vicki "This year I get to leave my kids at home" T., are being joined by more of the gang. Having heard about the fun the crew had in Vegas shooting craps, torturing Repoman, and bailing themselves out of jail, Cap'n "the Boss" Jules, Eric aka "badd speler", Numbers Macager and his gun moll, "Moll" Macager, Suzy the Q, Shawnster "the Scribe" Starkey, Roxanne aka "the Songstress" are joining our happy bunch.

Mouthpiece [cautioning the gang]: Now the good thing is, I don't think they have a jail on this ship, but the bad thing is they might just throw us overboard if we get too rowdy. So everyone should be on their best behavior.

Rusty: Does that mean we can't get Repoman drunk and talk him into posing nude for an ice sculpture in the middle of the dining room like we did last year?

Computer: Or tell him when he wakes up the next morning that he has divorced his wife and married an American Bald Eagle named Jean-Luc?

GI Jane: or convince him that Jeri Ryan has a thing for cross-dressers, and tell him she's in the next room while supplying him with garters, high heels and a flirty boa before sending him into a room full of Shriners?

Legs: Or even sneak into Repoman's room when he's sleeping and stick his hand in warm water?

Boss: Nope, none of that.

Badd speler: damm3e!! Thatts th3e ownly reesen I cayme onn thise dum crews!

Helmboy [sounding an awful lot like his whiny namesake]: I agree with Bad Speler. I wanna go back to Vegas!!!!

Boss: You can have just as much fun here as in Vegas, Helmboy. There are all sorts of things to do on this ship -- dancing, tennis, shuffleboard, swimming, gambling . . .

Helmboy: There's gambling?

Boss: Yes, of course.

Helmboy: See ya! [He dashes up the gangplank, past the startled Pacific Princess Crew]

Mouthpiece: And for the rest of you, we can have just as much fun humiliating Repoman, we just have to be more subtle.

Four Eyes [snickering to Vicki]: yeah right, like you have to be subtle around Repoman!

Our gang reaches the entrance of the ship.

Janeway: Hello, I am Captain Kathryn Janeway. Welcome to the Pacific Princess. This is the ship's doctor, Dr. Chakotay. Although I am an attractive woman in my sexual prime of life, and he is handsome, caring, and willing to move heaven and earth to fulfil my every whim, we are just "good friends." The captain of a luxury liner has too many duties to be distracted by romance.

Boss: Umm, that's nice. I, uh, guess?

Legs [thinking to himself]: Gosh, she's cute in that white uniform with those shorts. And her legs are almost as good as mine!

Mrs. Legs: One more thought like that, and you'll be walking funny on those famous legs, Mister!

Legs [incredulously to his wife]: How do you know these things?

Chakotay: Don't worry, other people are allowed to have romances, just not the Captain and myself.

Boss: No, that's okay. We're all just good friends ourselves. Really. We're here for relaxation, conversation, and fun.

Scribe: Shuffleboard tournament, here I come!!!

The Boss introduces each member of the gang to the Captain and the doctor. Harry Kim, the ship's purser, has arrived, and he checks off the ship's roster as each name is called out.

Mouthpiece: Several other of our gang members, er, I mean of our happy, harmless, holiday revelers will be joining us, as soon as they can clear up the red tape with the port authorities --- Jim "Mr. C," Jason "the Canuck," Carol "Susie Co-Ed," "Auntie" Joy, [author's note, and others I just can't think up nicknames for right now, like Martha and Diane]. The guy at the dock said something about "checking their priors."

Kim: That's fine. For now, everything seems to be in order. Local officials in Puerta Vallerta have asked that you not be allowed to leave the ship while we're docked there, and we've had other queries as to whether all of your shots are in order...

Chakotay: Just drop by my office at your convenience and we'll check you over.

Kim: ...but other than that everything is great. Here are your room assignments. You'll also need to drop a deposit off with our security officer, Commander Tuvok.

Rusty: But there wasn't a security officer on the old Love Boat.

Vicki: Yeah, I thought Tuvok would be a guest passenger who is on the verge of losing his wife to another man because he has been so busy with his career that he's been taking her for granted, but faced with losing her to Lee Majors or some other out of work tv actor, tells her he loves her while some cheesy music swells up in the background.

Janeway: We were forced to take on security personnel after a particularly nasty incident last year. A group of Hirogen boarded the ship and started hunting down our passengers under the mistaken impression that girls on one of the local islands thought the wearing of internal organs externally was sexy.

Just then, a handsome man with reddish-blonde hair, brilliant [insert the color of your choice] eyes, and a rakish grin walks up to the gang.

Paris: Hi! I'm Tom Paris, and I'm the cruise director. I'm here to make sure your every desire is satisfied, and that your every fantasy for a dream voyage is fulfilled.

Four Eyes: Gurgle, gurgle.

Mouthpiece: Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my!

Suzy the Q: sigh! sigh! sigh!

Legs [snorting]: Women! Turning into mush just because some hunk with [insert the color of your choice] eyes smiles at them.

Badd speler: Youu tel themm, Leggs!

Computer: You wouldn't see a man act like that.

Repoman: Not a REAL man, like us. And, I'm proud of you boss, you don't seem to be affected by this guy's surface charm.

Boss: Oooh, look at the way his hair catches the light of the setting sun!!

Just then, two new passengers come aboard the ship. They are attractive women, one brunette, one blonde, both dressed in tennis outfits with short skirts that accentuate their healthy, shapely figures.

Torres: Hi, I'm B'Elanna.

Seven: And, I'm Seven.

Torres and Seven: We're sisters, even though we look nothing alike, and we are here for the Pacific Princess' Invitational Tennis Tournament!

Torres: Our plot revolves around the fact that we've been working for years to achieve success on the women's tennis circuit as a doubles team, and we're just about to achieve our dream of being the first sisters ever to doubles championships on two rehashed 1970s television shows, the Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

Seven: But I want to quit playing tennis, and move back to my small town and marry my dim witted but well meaning boyfriend who is currently studying to become a taxidermist, and who wants me to marry him and make him wholesome meals from the animals he kills to mount for his school projects. But I know how much our tennis success means to my older sister, B'Elanna, who has sacrificed everything for me.

B'Elanna: And I also want to quit, because I'm tired of having shin splints and want to pursue my real dream of becoming a nightclub singer, but I know how much our tennis success means to my sister Seven, who loves all the glamour of life on the circuit.

B'Elanna and Seven: And neither of us knows what the other is thinking because we're too stupid to talk to each other about it!!!

Seven [to Janeway]: Has my dim-witted but well meaning small town boyfriend come on board yet and hidden because he can't afford a ticket but cannot bear to be separated from me yet again?

Janeway: Er, I don't think so. Harry, why don't you go check on that?

Repoman: Would I do as a substitute? I studied taxidermy for a semester in school. And goodness knows, I'm dim witted!

Seven smiles prettily at him. Badd speler glahrs at Reepohmann.

B'Elanna [to the Coffee Nebula's male contingent]: What about you guys? Which of you is playing the music company executive who will recognize my talent, and after a night of riotous passion, will talk me into finally having a heart to heart talk with my sister?

Computer [coughing]: Uh, that would be me!

Numbers: No, no, miss, I think that you're talking about me.

Moll [elbowing Numbers in the stomach]: I put up with your panting over her when she's on television, but the only serve you're going to return on this cruise is mine!

Chakotay: Besides, I think we have the holodoc signed up to be your wry, acerbic love interest in this episode. We even got him a toupee.

Janeway: Yes, he looks really cute, kind of like he did on China Beach.

Time: The Next Day. Scene: The gang is gathered in various groups around the Pacific Princess' Swimming Pool.

All is not well with our Nebulites. The gang has weathered re-runs, discussions of bikini waxes and PMS, arguments over Janeway's hair, and Eric's spelling, yet they are not enjoying their usual high spirits on this cruise. Instead, they seem oddly divided.

Repoman has been spending most of his time with Seven, who is using him to divert attention from her stowaway boyfriend, played by Howie Mandel, and who is currently crouching behind a potted palm. Not only has this raised the jealous ire of Badd Speler, the rest of the gang is getting tired of hearing Repoman brag to Seven about his taxidermy skills.

GI Jane: If I hear him talking about how he aced his small mammal exam one more time, I'm going to stuff him -- through a port hole!

Vickie and The Songstress have spent most of the cruise thus far in the Doctor's office, complaining of various ailments just to be near the handsome physician. He, however, has begun to get suspicious, especially since The Songstress' latest symptoms sound an awful lot like signs of the Bubonic Plague.

Computer isn't talking to anyone, just sitting off to the side with a laptop computer trying to figure out how to short circuit the Holodoc's holotechnology, thus freeing up B'Elanna to be wooed by his own smooth talking charm.

Computer [muttering]: Geez, even Neelix can circumvent "Voyager's" computer system on any given week. I ought to be able to break into the system of this tug boat!

Long time friends, Mouthpiece and Four Eyes aren't talking to each other because they are each vying for the attention of the handsome, [insert the color of your choice] eyed cruise director, Tom Paris. Suzy the Q, hoping to have her own way with the Sweet-faced Swabbie, has distracted both of them by telling them that the Fair Tom has a thing for witty women who are knowledgeable about the American Revolution. Computer and Four Eyes are now in a contest to see who can write the best TTL on the subject "Top Ten Grievances Against England That Thomas Jefferson Forgot to List in the Declaration of Independence." [Author's note: apologies to Jules. It was the only funny history list I could think of -- I thought about the Top Ten Ways to mispronounce the Monitor and/or the Merrimack, but then I couldn't think of any]

Finally, love is in the air for our married couples, inspired perhaps by the ship's patented romantic atmosphere. Unfortunately, their public cooing and canoodling has the rest of the gang running for their seasick pills.

Neelix: Hello, I am Neelix, your bartender. What concoction may I whip up for you delightful people? My Leola Colada's have received raves in two quadrants!

Numbers [to Moll]: What do you think sweetums?

Moll: I'll have what ever you have, honey bunny.

Badd Speler: Ithenk Ill justt hav and alkah selttser onn th3e roks.

Rusty: What about you, Four Eyes, Mouthpiece. What sounds good to you?

Four Eyes [in a distracted tone, while scribbling on a pad of paper]: Because not only is it high in fat and calories, but "bangers and mash" just doesn't sound right. What? Oh, drink orders. I'll have a diet coke.

Mouthpiece: Drinks. Drinks. [She snaps her fingers and starts writing] Because we're tired of only getting one lousy ice cube when we order Iced Tea.

Neelix: Right. A diet coke and a tea, heavy on the ice.

Repoman: What is your pleasure, Seven?

Seven: Because I am so worried about my dilemma, what I choose to drink is irrelevant. I hope you don't mind my using you to divert attention from my stowaway boyfriend, who is over there crouching behind that potted palm? I am afraid that if my sister, B'Elanna, learns of his presence on this ship, she'll realize that I don't share her dreams of tennis success.

Repoman: Nope, I don't care. Use me. Did I tell you about the time I aced my small mammals final?

Boss: Where is Harry Kim? I haven't seen him since we checked in yesterday.

Scribe: He's involved in another plot. His high school English teacher, who is only five years older than he is, and who he had a mad school boy crush on when he was 17, is taking a cruise to try and get over her recent divorce and although he feels a little awkward they are inching towards having a one night stand, which they will both remember fondly over the years after she leaves the ship at the end of the hour.

Howie Mandel: Psst! Could someone bring me something to drink?

Vickie: Here, Howie. We haven't seen you much since St. Elsewhere. And aren't you a little old to be playing a taxidermy student?

Howie Mandel: I did have some success with a cable special last year. I take what my agent can get for me. We can't all be Denzel Washington. At least I haven't had to be on Fantasy Island yet, like Ed Begly, Jr. And aren't you having trouble walking in that cast?

Four Eyes: Because we already have enough lawyers, and if we had to have both solicitors and barristers we'd have to have twice as many as we do now.

Mouthpiece: Hey, I resent that!

Boss: Ladies, ladies. Calm down! And you, Computer, put down that copy of "Hacking Made Easy." Songstress and Vickie, take off those ridiculous bandages. Badd Speler and Repoman, kiss and make up -- I understand that Kes is involved in another plot where she thinks her husband is having an affair with another woman, who in reality, is her long lost mother who is worried about approaching Kes, and she is looking for someone with whom to make her husband jealous. They were trying to get Tim Daly from "Wings" to play the role, but he got a better offer. I've approached Captain Janeway, and she's agreed to give you a shot at it, Badd Speler, so there is no reason for your continued jealousy of Repoman.

Badd Speler: Hipp hi8p Whoraye!!

Boss: And for the rest of you. Let us not let our various infatuations with B'Elanna, Chakotay, Tom -- although he IS adorable, isn't he? -- separate us. We've been through too much together.

Rusty: The Boss is right. We were heavily divided over "The Killing Game," but we didn't let it split us up.

GI Jane: And we've put up with Repoman for over a year now.

Songstress: How true.

Legs: Plus, we've got a new episode of Voyager to look forward to tonight! [to Mrs. Legs] Isn't that right, Pumpkin?

Computer: And the spoilers for this one look really good! We finally learn how they've been able to replace all those shuttles over the years!

Suzy the Q: And it is Harry's yearly "look he's actually got some depth" episode!

Moll: And Chakotay and Janeway finally "do it"!

Scribe: And we finally find out what was in Admiral Paris' letter to Tom!

Vickie: Oh, goody, I can hardly wait!

Happy and united again, the gang discusses the various kinds of munchies they will want while watching the show tonight.

Just then, Helmboy comes tearing out into the pool area, dragging Janeway, Chakotay, and Tom behind him.

Boss: Helmboy, what are you doing here? Are the casinos closed?

Helmboy: Boss, gang, I just heard some horrible news!! [pant, pant] I didn't believe it at first, so I went and found the captain, who was busy being "just friends" with the doctor here, and got her to confirm it!

Mouthpiece: Confirm what, Helmboy?

Helmboy: They don't get ANY, nada, zilch, zippo, television stations on this second rate tug! We can't watch Voyager tonight!!!!!

The Gang: WHAT!!!

Rusty: But there are tv sets in our cabins!

The Songstress: I watched "Titanic" last night -- which really gave me a creepy, feeling by the way.

Repoman: And I watched "The Poseidon Adventure."

Legs: And the missus and I watched "The Wreck of the Mary Deare."

Mrs. Legs: That's right, sweetie pie.

Badd Speler: Annd I saww, De3bbee Dus thee Fleete!

Janeway [who has faced less hostile Kazon, nervously]: Yes, well, as I explained to Mr. Helmboy here, we have closed circuit television only on this ship. We show several channels of movies, and also have a channel devoted to ship activities.

Paris: For example, I'll be leading an aerobics class in two hours, and the camera will be focused on my sweaty body clad only in shorts and a muscle shirt.

Mouthpiece, Four Eyes, Suzy the Q, and the Boss: Oooooooh!!

Numbers: Ladies, snap out of it! Aren't you listening? We can't watch Voyager tonight!!

Boss: Oh, yeah, right. Gang what are we going to do?

Helmboy: I've checked, and we're docking in fifteen minutes. There is a small airfield on this island, and we can charter a flight.

Chakotay: Believe me when I say that we'll do every thing we can to speed up your departure!

Moll: Let's do it then!

Badd Speler: Butt wot aboutt Ke3s?

Repoman: And what about Seven?

Seven: Oh, that's okay, Repoman. The way you all settled your misunderstandings has led me to have a talk with my sister.

B'Elanna: Yes, I know now that Seven wants to marry her small town boyfriend, and I am going to pursue my music career with the help of this man I just met yesterday, but am already sleeping with because this is the Love Boat, and that is what people do here.

Holodoc [who really does look a lot like he did on "China Beach" when he wears a toupee]: And because I am a wealthy music executive, I have purchased a ticket for Howie here, and he can now spend the rest of the cruise with Seven.

Howie Mandel: Wow, and I am like getting paid for this!

Repoman: Well, then I guess I may as well go with the rest of you.

Computer: What about you, Badd Speler?

Badd Speler [struglng too deecide]: Culdn't won off yu taype itt fer mee?

Scribe: Sure, I'll be glad too, Badd Speler!!

Thus, as the sun sets and credits roll, our happy gang leaves the ship, flies back to port. There they meet up with the rest of the gang, who have finally been released from the Port Authority's Security Force. They rent a large screen tv and a dozen or so Lazy-Boys, order a round of pizzas, and sit down to enjoy their favorite television show.

The End