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Mary Sue, Billy Bob, And Their Crew

Love's Labor, or Kiss Me, Kate

B'Elanna is violently throwing objects at Tom. Tom skillfully dodges the missiles while reciting BAD poetry. After a fragile object shatters inches from his head, Tom turns to the camera and says; "I think I'm in love..."

Voyager enters a region of space controlled by the **Strakney** who have agreed to open negotiations so Voyager can replenish supplies and affect repairs. The crew has been granted liberty while Janeway, Chakotay and Tuvok meet with **Nwahs**, Sector Moff and representative of the Grandee **Jyc'Hrmon**. **Nwahs** is an overly obese creature draped in raiments of purple with gold trim. The stench from **Nwahs** is almost unbearable. Insects are visible in a cloud about **Nwahs**. The **Strakney** have an advanced organic based technology and **Nwahs** insists that the Starfleet personnell use the **Strakney** universal translator, the Babel Fish. This fish, when inserted in the ear canal, translates conversations on a telepathic level. The effect is not dissimilar to watching a badly dubbed Godzilla movie.

Meanwhile, Neelix, the Doctor and Vorik go to the cantina **Grifone's**. The Doc has augmented his programming so that he can imbibe on a holographic beverage and simulate the effect of alcohol on the body. Neelix and the Doc busily try to get Vorik to talk about what he is meditating on.

Vorik: I just do not understand the thinking of women sometimes. Especially Lt. Torres. I am a much more logical mate than Lt. Paris.

Neelix: I know how you must feel. I am still trying to figure out Kes new unpredictable nature...

The Doc: Well, I have found that developing a relationship with your patents is the best route. That nurturing bond of care is a hard one to break.

The bartender: I'm **D'Mike**, your bartender. Need to forget your women troubles? I'm at your service. What can I get you?

Negotiations move along smoothly until...

**Nwahs**: Let's see, you want foodstuffs, torpedoes, and bondo for your ship. I can arrange that, for a price.

Janeway: Whatever the price, I'm sure we can work it out

**Nwahs**: I see. OK then. In exchange for our services, I want you, Kathryn Janeway, to...rub my feet.

With that, **Nwahs** lifts the hem of his skirt and displays his big, gnarled feet, covered with callouses. Puss oozes out of cracks and blisters. Janeway is disgusted and pulls back for a conference with Chakotay and Tuvok.

Janeway: I don't want to do this. How captains of the last century got physically involved with the guest aliens is beyond me.

Chakotay: I don't like the idea either Kate, still, if it will help the ship.

Tuvok: More importantly, it will help the crew. We need those supplies captain. Logic dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

Janeway: I suppose, but only for the good of the crew.

She wrinkles her nose and...

Back at the bar our friends are three sheets to the wind...

Neelix: On Neanderthall VII the men have it made. They just club their women and drag them off by the antlers...

Vorik: That is so logical. Why can't B'Elanna see it that simply? (Pounding the bar) SHE IS MY MATE!!! (splinters fly)

The Doc: **D'Mike**, our friend Vorik needs a refill.

Meanwhile, Kes and Harry explore another part of this **Strakney** station.

Kes: I'm glad we did this Harry. I haven't spend much time with you. Now that I'm free, liberated and unpredictable , I'm looking for young friends to hang out with

Harry: Thank you. Now that your not with Neelix, have you ever considered...

Kes (interrupting): What was that? Harry, I sense something, come on.

Kes and Harry round the corner and see a handler poking a large baby space whale with a cattle prod. Harry makes a comment that it reminds him of a baby Tin Man.

Kes: Whatever it is, they are hurting her. She's hurting. I SENSE PAIN.

Kes and Harry push the handlers out of the way and chain themselves to the baby space whale.

Visibly repulsed, Janeway massages *Nwahs'** feet. A vid com beebs and **Nwahs** activates it

Official: Sir, this is **Cap'n Crnc**. We have a report from the **Macagers** that two Federations have chained themselves to the wild **Slaycox**, the one no one can break.

**Nwahs**: I do not want to break negotiations, this feels good. I will send my majordomo **Cairg** to investigate. Now, Janeway, tell me again about my beatiful feet. While you are at it, please paint my toenails a nice blood yellow shade.

Chakotay and Tuvok go with **Cairg** to investigate. **Cairg** is so nervous to be around Chakotay. He checks his lapel for lint, feels presentable and speaks.

**Cairg**: Cmdr. Chakotay. After this is over, would you care to be my guest at dinner? Oh, (he says, turning to Tuvok) you all are invived.

Chakotay: I think we can arrange something **Cairg**.

Cairg, Chakotay and Tuvok arrive at the stable.

**Cairg**: What is going on?

**Macagers**: They assaulted us, pushed us and are now shielding the **Slaycox** we can't work like this.

Kes and Harry: Not true. They were attacking this poor baby.

**Cap'n Crnc**: Is that so? Come along **Macagers**. We will see what magistrate **Gynni** has to say. You know better than to prod a **Slaycox** even if you are trying to break them in.

Kes: Sirs, this baby **Slaycox** wants to come with us. She says she could replace our shuttles. She can heal faster than we repair them, and that's fast. Can we keep her, please?

**Cairg** checks with **Nwahs**. **Nwahs** agrees. His feet haven't felt this good in decades. He is willing to agree to anything.

Tuvok: Kes, how will you care for her and still keep up your duties.

Kes: I just contacted Lieutenants **Carol**, **Nyres**, **Leone** and **Vicki** and Ensign **Wes**. They have agreed to help. I think I will name this baby **Byrn** after my mother's cousin's neighbor's pet calot's former owner.

Chakotay: **Cairg**, I think I will take you up on your offer now. I need a drink.

Neelix, Vorik and the Doc return to Voyager and sleep it off. The Doc deactivates himself so he can reset his parameters back to normal. B'Elanna and Tom come in and activate the EMH program.

Doc: Please state the nature of your emergency. Oh, what seems to be ailing the two of you? Hmm... Lt. Paris, you have 3 brused ribs, a broken collar bone a black eye and incriminating teeth marks on your cheek...

The End