Voyager Musicals, Operettas And Plays

H.M.S. Voyager/The Pirates of Delta Quadrant
Ginny

This is dedicated to Jason, who commented that he would rather read posts of Voyager: The Musical than read Duncan's mind-numbing rants (my words, not Jason's) on religion, and to Bern, who, like me, has a fondness for G & S.

(Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, who must be spinning like tops)

OPENING NUMBER

Men's chorus (Chakotay, Tom, Harry, Tuvok, the Holodoc):
We sail the quadrant through,
  And our saucy ship's a beauty.
We are sober men and true
  And attentive to our duty.
When the fire whistles past
  From our phaser's blast,
We stand to our posts all day.
  When at orbit we ride,
Then go planet-side,
  We have plenty of time to play.

Tom:
  Ahoy, ahoy!

Others:
  Don't let Tom go ashore!

Tom:
  Ahoy, ahoy!

Others:
  He'll get arrested again!

We sail the quadrant through,
  And our saucy ship's a beauty.
We are sober men and true
  And attentive to our duty.
Our saucy ship's a beauty.
  We're attentive to our duty.
We are sober men and true.
  We sail the quadrant through.

ROMANTIC INTERLUDE

(This song presumes that both Kathryn and B'Elanna are pursuing Tom. Hey, it's my parody. Go get your own.)

Tuvok:
Never mind the why and wherefore,
  Love can level ranks and therefore,
Though the Captain's station's mighty,
  Though stupendous is her brain,
Though Tom's tastes are somewhat redneck,
  And his attitude's a pain.

Crew chorus:
Ring the merry bells on board ship,
  Rend the air with warbling wild,
For the union of the Captain
  With the humble admiral's child.

Tuvok:
  For a humble admiral's scion.

Tom:
  For a gallant admiral's scion.

Kathryn:
  And the gal who rules the Voyager.

B'Elanna:
  And the gal who keeps her flyin'

Chorus:
Let the air with joy be laden,
  Rend with songs the air above,
For the union of a pilot
  With the gal who owns his love.

Kathryn:
Never mind the why and wherefore,
  Love can level ranks and therefore,
So I got you out of prison
  (Tom, remember who to thank),
And I gave you a commission
  In the lower middle ranks.

(chorus)

Tom:
Never mind the why and wherefore,
  Love can level ranks and therefore,
I admit the jurisdiction,
  Ably have you played your part;
You have carried firm conviction
  To my hesitating heart.

(chorus)

FLASHBACK SCENE

Tom's Nanny:
When Tommy was a little lad, he proved so brave and daring,
  His father thought he'd apprentice him to some career  spacefaring.
I was, alas, his nurserymaid, and so it fell to my lot
  To take and bind this promising boy apprentice to a pilot.
A life not bad for a hearty lad, though surely not a high lot,
  Though I'm a nurse, you could do worse than make your boy a pilot.

KATHRYN'S BIG NUMBER

Kathryn:
  Better far to live and die
On this fine starship I fly,
  Than make a far more reasonable choice
And settle on some planetoid.

Away to a vague wormhole we'll go,
  And where we'll end up no one knows.
But I'll be true to the quest I've set
  And get us back to Alpha yet.

For I am a Starship Queen.
  And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Starship Queen.

For I am a Starship Queen

Men's chorus (with varying degrees of enthusiasm)
  You are! Hurrah for the Starship Queen!

Kathryn:
  And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Starship Queen.

Men's chorus:
  It is! Hurrah for the Starship Queen! Hurrah for the Starship Queen!

Kathryn:
When I sally forth to seek my way,
  I power up the weapons array.
I blast a few more ships, it's true,
  Than a well-bred monarch ought to do.

But many times Kirk on the premiere show,
  When he wanted to direct how things should go,
Did manage somehow to pursue
  More outrageous plans than ever I do.

(chorus)

ENSIGNS ON PARADE

(Featuring a solo by the Third Ensign on the Left)

TEL:
When the aliens raise their shields,
  <Tarantara>
We uncomfortable feel,
  <Tarantara>
And we find the wisest thing,
  <Tarantara>
Is to slap our chests and sing,
  Tatantara!

For when placed on away teams,
  <Tarantara, tarantara>
And so scared we want to scream,
  <Tarantara, tarantara>
There is naught we can withstand
  In the Captain's sharp command.
In the Captain's sharp command.

Kathryn:
Go, ye ensigns, go to glory,
  Though you die in combat gory,
Ye shall live in log and story.
  Go to immortality!
Go to death and go to slaughter;
  Die, and every Starfleet daughter
With her tears your graves shall water.
Go, ye ensigns, go and die!

Kes and B'Elanna:
  Go, ye ensigns, go and die! Go ye, ensigns, go and die!

Ensign chorus:
  Though to us it's evident,
<Tarantara, tarantara>
  These attentions are well meant,
<Tarantara, tarantara>
  Such expressions don't appear,
<Tarantara, tarantara>
  Calculated crew to cheer.
Tarantara!
  Who are going to meet their fate in a highly nervous state.
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
  Still to us it's evident
These attentions are well meant.
  Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!

Kathryn:
  Go and do your best endeavor,
And before com links we sever,
  We will say farewell forever.
Go to glory and the grave!

Kes and B'Elanna:
  For your foes are fierce and ruthless,
False, unmerciful, and truthless;
  Young and tender, old and toothless,
All in vain their mercy crave.

Kathryn:
  Away, away!

Ensigns (without moving)
  Yes, yes, we go.

Kathryn:
  These aliens slay.
<Tarantara>
  Then do not stay.
<Tarantara>
  Then why this delay?

Ensigns chorus:
  All right, we go.
Yes, forward on the foe.
  Yes, forward on the foe.
We go, we go.

BIG FINALE

Crew chorus:
  With cat-like tread, across Borg space we steal;
In silent dread, our cautious way we feel.
  No sound at all! We dare not send a word.
A sub-space hail would be distinctly heard.

Although we'd like to turn around,
  The Captain's heart is Alpha bound.

Looks like we won't turn back.
  The Captain will not listen.
She's got an obsession.
  Let's vary bravery with a little lunacy.

Kathryn:
  We've got torpedos, and our shield array
Tight sensor sweeps--just to check our way.
  I've got the Holodoc, working in sick bay.
I'm pretty sure, we can get through this o.k.

Crew chorus:
  Come, crew, across Borg space.
Make your calculations.
  Man your battlestations.
Let's vary bravery with a little lunacy.

If anyone else feels inspired to continure the operetta, have at it. And for those who aren't familiar enough with G & S to follow these parodies, for shame! Get thee to a regional theater!

The End