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Voyager Musicals, Operettas And Plays

Leonie — 30 Jun 1997

Ritlier walked into the room with his fellow council members. He had barely got any sleep after he read the communiqué which arrived yesterday afternoon. They had little or no time left, certainly not enough time to do what needed to be done to prepare for this type of "company". He looked around at his brothers in authority, he had served "He-man Prime" for 20 years, making sure that the planet ran smoothly, that the women and slaves knew their place, underneath them, literally and figitively. He was not going to allow some alien woman to upset the balance of his culture just because "she" thought it was morally wrong. He knew she'd interfere. That would be just like a woman. And he had no doubt, that whatever the race, all women were the annoying, weak, sniveling inferior beings, certainly no match for men, especially him with the size of the "tallywacker" that he carried. He looked around at his fellow council men and began to address them in these words:

(To the tune of Grease)

I've gotten a response from the Nyrians,
We've got a serious problem, we've got a complication,
There is a danger now they'll free the slaves,
They said non-involvement was tried and true,
But now they're breaking their own rules
Voyager is the ship

They say all that they care about is getting back,
But when they see an injustice,
They launch an all out attack
Our defenses are no match,
For their photon torpedoes,
When Captain is on her monthly rack
Voyager is the ship

Voyager is the ship, with the crew, on a long trip
Voy-a-ger is-is-is the ship

With Cap'n Kate with her two hands on her hips
Let's just say Borg were negotiating.
Can we shield ourselves, our planet
From their sensors, and hide our elves?
Why can't they just not leave us alone,
Have they have not enough problems of their own?
Voyager is the ship

Voyager is the ship, armed to the hilt, with the crew on a long trip
Voy-a-ger is-is-is the ship
With Cap'n Kate with her two hands on her hips
She'll fire on any armed ship.

Why do they say "Federation Vessel",
It's an illusion,
They just do as they as they damn well fe-e-e-eell

I wish this problem will just go away
But the fact is,
They'll be here in a couple of days
We'll increase the power to the cloaking shields,
With any luck, we'll just appear as mere reed.
Voyager is the ship

Voyager is the ship, with the crew, on a long trip
Voy-a-ger is-is-is the ship

With Cap'n Kate with her two hands on her hips
Let's just say Borg was negotiating.
Voyager is the ship, is the ship, is the ship, is the ship

Captain's log Stardate, 5250.1, it was shaping up to be a pretty average day, we have seen no evidence of Borg activity in this sector, and although the ship and her crew are on a heightened sense of alert, things seem to be getting the slightest bit more relaxed since our initial encounter with the Borg.

Kim: Are you sure that you'll be able to go on duty in an hour?

Paris: Sure, sure, it's just a few cuts and bruises, I'm sure I'll be fine once the doc, patches me up.

Doc: Please state the nature of the medical emergency?

Kes: He seems to be badly injured, Bite marks on the face, chest, back and neck

Paris: Also on another area of my body which is not really visible right now

Kes: He also has, two broken ribs, a dislocated jaw and cuts and bruises on his body along with a twisted ankle.

Doc: Mr Paris what caused this?

(To the tune " Summer Loving")

Paris:  Klingon Loving'
        Had me a night,
        Klingon Loving' why does it always start with a fight?
        At first she was tame,
        As any dame could be,
        Then suddenly, I'm on my knees

        Klingon loving'
        Rough and tumble as always
        But boy do they have the stamina to make love all night

Kim:    Oh well, oh well, oh well Aha,
        Tell me more, tell me more,
        How long was the fight,
        Tell me more, tell me more,
Doctor: Does this treatment feel all right?

Paris:  First we were in a battle on the holodeck,
        She hit me so hard, I fell, I thought I broke my neck
        Then she was on me, her hands on my most intimate place,
        Then she bit me again on the face,
Doctor: I certainly hope the night was certainly worth the amount of grief,
        You won't be walking right for another week.

Kes:    Oh well oh well, oh well aha,
        Tell me more, tell me more
        Do men really like it rough?
Kim:    Tell me more, tell me more,
        Did she listen when you said stop.

Paris:  Oh no, there's the yellow alert bell

Kes:    So will you sleep with her again?

Kim:    Oh Kes, jealous are we?

Kes:    Oh you should be really that lucky!

Paris:  Klingon loving, is good when it's done right.
        And it certainly was,
        Right last Ni-ight

Kim, Kes, Doctor: Tell me more, tell me more, ore, ore.

On the bridge:

Janeway: We've picked up a planet, the fourth in a system of seven, it seems to be inhabited.

Kim: Captain, they seem to be trying to cloak their presence from us, they were trying to appear as a spatial anomaly, and if we had no interest in those things, we may not have looked. But when the captain asked me to investigate I was able to disarm their cloaking technology to our sensors.

Janeway: Analysis?

Tuvok: It appears to be a primitive culture, although they have cloaking devices. They don't seem to have much in the way weapons. Captain they are a patriarchy and they still have slave labor, and the women appear to be in a subordinate position to the men. Rapes are sanctioned by law and so is child raring and no shoes.

Janeway: What kind of barbarians are they, Mr Paris, set a course to the planet, warp 9.98! STAT!!!

Paris: I didn't realize that you had medical training,

Janeway: No, that's short for "Shake That Ass Toots"

Paris: Yes Ma'am

Tuvok: Isn't interfering with their culture a direct violation of the Prime Directive?

Janeway: Not really, it is our duty to render humanitarian aid, whenever necessary, and there are women on that planet who need a lot of humanitarian aid in overcoming their male overseers, don't you think?

Tuvok: That is a most interesting way of interpreting the Prime Directive.

Chakotay: Mr Paris, can you actually get this ship to fly that fast?

Paris: Of course I can.

(To the tune of Grease lightening, with a little help from Fliteman)

Paris:     Why these warp nacelle's have been re-initialized,
           The dilithium has been re-crystallized,
           The power has been amplified,
           Why these nacelles go as fast as quantum Torpedoes!!!
           (Type 6)

           Type in the command and watch the warp core glow
B'Ellanna: Keep talking, oh keep talking,
Paris:     Fluid injected matter causes the reaction to grow,
B'Ellanna: She's ready, she's always been ready
           When blue and green turn to gold
           She's ready to go
Paris:     And when you give the command,
           This ship will go with a bang,
           Warp Nacelles.
Janeway:   Go Go Go Go

B'Ellanna: Go Warp Nacelles, really faster now,
           (Warp Nacelles, go warp nacelles)
           Anti-matter thrumming deep down in the bow
           (Warp Nacelles, go warp nacelles)
           And in a FLASH, she's gone like THAT
           Warp Nacelles.

Paris:     Changing the tilt of the engines to 47 degrees
           (Warp Nacelles, go warp nacelles)
           Punching the button, will make her go as quickly as you please
           (Warp Nacelles, go warp Nacelles)
           Especially when in a RAGE, Kate says enGAGE
           Warp Nacelles, Nacelles, nacelles, nacelles, nacelles, nacelles,

(end of song)

Chakotay: Mr Kim how long will it take to get there.

Kim: About one hour sir.

Chakotay: Captain may I be excused for half and hour, there is something that I would like to finish privately.

Janeway: Go ahead commander.

He exists the bridge via the turbolift.

Chakotay: Holodeck one.

In front of the holodeck doors he gives the command:

Chakotay: Computer, erase the deletion on opening program for "J/C forever" authorizationAngry Warrior 8472

Computer: Program erased.

Chakotay: Computer begin program "J/C forever" authorization Animal Guide 7474, from the last point of activation.

Chakotay enters.....the captains ready room, It is 0400 hours and unable to sleep, the captain has come to her ready room to do some work, however she did not stop to change into her uniform. The lingerie is by Feddricks of Hollywood . He clears his throat:

Chakotay: Captain I didn't expect you to be here, umm out of uniform at this hour of the morning.

Janeway: I'm just going over some of our status reports as I couldn't get to sleep tonight

Chakotay: I was about to do the same thing

Janeway: You know, it's just not a matter of being a captain alone out here, that causes some sleepless nights, it is also about being a woman, far away from someone who she was devoted to and who was devoted to her.

Chakotay: You miss Mark that much.

Janeway: There are some nights that I don't know how I am going to go on without him. I realize that even if we got home tomorrow, he may not have been still waiting and is now with someone else. And I can't help wondering, if I will ever find someone who was so devoted to me as Mark was.

Chakotay: Computer freeze scenario, being music:

(To the tune of Hopelessly devoted to you)

Would you guess that I am that man?
Can you see the torch I carry for you?
Are you the last on the ship to know,
Just how much I care for you?

I know you're thinking that you're the captain
And I am the man who is just beneath you,
But Kate can't you see, I also want to be on top too
I'm hopelessly lusting after you.

How long will I be able to hide,
Exactly what I feel inside?
When will you come to my bed?
Hopelessly lusting after you, ou, ou
Hopelessly devoted to you.

My head is saying, "No she's the Captain"
My manhood is saying, "Make it so"
But in the end, all of it depends on what you choose,
Still I'm hopelessly in lust with you.

How long will I be able to hide,
Exactly what I feel inside?
When will you come to my bed?
Hopelessly lusting after you, ou, ou
Hopelessly devoted to you.

(end of song)

Janeway: Bridge to Chakotay

Chakotay: Yes Captain

Janeway: Report to the bridge, we are approaching the planet

Chakotay: Acknowledged: Computer end program and re-set the original safety programs and lockouts.

Computer: Programs in place.

He exists and returns to the bridge

On the bridge:

Janeway: Hail them.

Kim: Channel open.

Janeway: This is Captain Janeway of the USS Voyager

Ritlien: First Chauvinistic Pig Ritlien of the Planet Macho, what can I do for you slut.

Janeway: I beg your pardon

Ritlien: You are female, and all females have a formal name of slut on my planet.

Chakotay (softly) I'd hate to hear the informal name.

Janeway: As a matter of fact that is the reason that I am hailing you. You are to change your entire way of thinking, give women equal rights and opportunities and have them clothed with shoes and valuable members of the society.

Ritlier: Ha, Ha Ha, HEE, HEE HO HO HO, why the hell will I do that for. You sluts cannot handle clothing and money, you have no head for math and structure, the only thing you can do with head is give a good one. And what will you do if I don't comply?

Janeway: Do you really want to know?

Ritlier: No, not really, you can't hurt me. What I would really want to know is how did you detect us through our cloak?

Kim: Well unknown to you, our chief slut is a caffeine addict. You trying to look like a Caffeine dust cloud in space was just the thing to make us want to take a closer look.

Janeway: And what I will do is that I will give arms to the rebel female army and a plan to overtake the city, but don't worry, I'm not heartless, it's under the condition that they won't kill you unless you give them reason to, and that they won't demand sex more than once a day unless you agree.

Riltier: Just suppose you are able to pull this off, how are you so sure that they will keep their end of the bargain?

Janeway: We're women dealing with women, there are not men here of course we'll keep our end of the bargain. (sucker)

Ritlier: Well let me tell you what I think:

(To the tune of Hound Dog)

You ain't nothing but a woman
Whining all the time,
You ain't nothing but a woman
Crying all the time,
You don't have the balls to do this
And no pecker compared to mine.

All the time we men are of higher class,
That's the truth, it ain't no lie,
The men on your ships are pansies,
Taking orders from ladies,
You ain't never stood tall,
You're only good for a roll in the hay that's all.

(end of song)

Janeway: Let me tell you a little something about myself

(To the tune of Hand Jive)

Late one night when I was five
My Papa said "Is everything all right"
What he didn't realize
Betsy in bed with me is twice standard size
If the monsters were a little smarter
They would have realized my finger was on her trigger.

I could have barely walked when I shot my first round
When I was three, I mowed down a fighting squad.
While studying, I used target practice to relieve my stress
I can hit a pea, fifty meters away in heels and a dress
If you were smart then you'd figure
Voyager's my Betsy and my finger is on her trigger.

Born with an itchy trigger finger,
Born with an itchy trigger finger

Janeway: Janeway out.

Captain's log supplemental. We have contacted the women rebel party and have supplied them with all the weapons that they would need for an effective coup. The ship's crew and the members of the party have been working on strategies that would ensure that the transition from a Patriarchy to a democracy would be a smooth one. Strangely though, throughout this whole process, Commander Chakotay has been silent. I have called him to my ready room to find out what is bothering him.

Janeway: Commander, you have been extremely quiet throughout all of our preparations.

Chakotay: There is something that has been going through my mind. Do we have the right to force our values onto an alien culture? I agree with you that what is happening on that planet is abominable, but I'm not so sure that this is the right way to deal with it.

Janeway: And what would the "right way" be?

Chakotay: I don't know what will be perhaps it just will take time for that culture to evolve. Isn't that the Prime Directive?

Janeway: That's the letter of the law, the one that we use to justify what we do, but what about the spirit? If we were in the alpha quad right now, these people would have been asking entrance into the Federation and we would have refused on the basis of the way their society is structured. This would have forced them to change their social structure. Since we are not in the alpha quadrant we have to find another way to do this.

Chakotay: The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced it's wrong. We should leave them let them be.

Janeway: I am always right, so we are going to do what I think is best. Are you with me?

Chakotay: You're the Captain, I'm the first officer, I'll carry out your order.

Janeway: That's the worst thing that you can do. Agree with me in front of the crew, but disagree with me in your heart.

(To the tune of There are worst things I could do)

Chakotay: There are worst things I could do,
Than disagree with one of your decisions or two,
Even though you think that I should agree,
I believe I should tell you when I disagree.
That it is a fact that's sad to you,
I don't always agree with what you do.

I could become a "Yes Ma'am Man"
Say OK to all your plans,
Double my cold showers every day,
Or make some poor ensign pay,
By making his life miserable all day.
That's the thing I never do.

I can insight some of the Maquis
To make your life pure misery
I don't steal your thunder and I don't lie,
But I respect you and I try,
To see things from your point of view,
But to deliberately turn my back and betray you,
That's the WORST thing I could do.

(end of song)

Janeway comes up to him and puts her arms around him and he holds her for a minute. She takes in the strength of his arms and adds it to hers. She realized that she was right about the fact that she could not imagine being without him for one day of their three and a half year trip. But then again she was always right about everything, like making him her confidant, her friend her.....

Janeway: Why would you need to double the amount of cold showers you take everyday?

Chakotay: Well Captain, I think that there is something that you should know, everyday the fee-

Kim: Kim to the Captain, you're needed on the bridge right away!!!

Janeway: On my way (DAMN, just a couple more seconds)

Chakotay: After you Captain. (Whew, what the HELL was I thinking, that she would actually respond to me).

Captain's log supplemental. It has been over three days since we left Planet Macho or now named Feminique and the new leader of the provisional government has assured us that things have been settling down and getting down to a means of which everyone is satisfied. Everyone who counts that is. As soon as we had finished our contact, in order to keep moral up on the ship, the bridge crew led the entire crew in the singing of our "Voyager Federation Anthem":

(To the tune of we go together)

We love to meddle,
In things that are none of our concern,
This Voyage is going to take 67 years
And we're already bored to tears,
This is who we are and what we do
We meddle and interfere
Wah ohh YEAH.

We're the only ship of this kind
The Federation is really far away.
So when we meddle,
There is no one around to make us pay.
WE decide when we play gods today
That' the way it will be
Way ooh YEAH.

The federation is really far away
The Federation is really far away
The Federation is really far away
<The federation is really far away>

The End