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Fractured Fairy Tales

GoldiKes And The Three Officers

Once upon a time there lived three officers: A great big Maquis commander, a middle-sized Starfleet ensign, and a wee small Talaxian morale officer. They lived deep in the Delta quadrant on a ship all their own, called Voyager.

Every morning the wee small Talaxian morale officer cooked hot Leola root for breakfast and brought it to the living quarters of the great big Maquis Commander and the middle-sized ensign, whose inner light shone like a warp core breach. One morning, the wee small Talaxian had just finished bringing his colleagues breakfast, and was about to eat his own, when a Red Alert Klaxon signaled a drill. The three officers rushed out of their quarters, leaving them unlocked.

That same morning, in the land of the Ocampa, a young girl named GoldiKes went on a walk. She came upon a shiny transporter pad and, despite her parents' warnings, stepped onto it. As soon as she did, a sparkling veil enveloped her fair form, depositing her at the door of the great big Maquis officer's quarters. The door opened, and seeing no one at home, she entered.

GoldiKes realized she was hungry, and when she saw the big bowl of Leola root on the table, she was happy as could be. She tasted the Leola Root, but it was too hot, so she decided to take a nap while she waited for it to cool down. She lay down on the Commander's bed, just as the great big Maquis entered his quarters. He looked at his bowl and roared, "Somebody's been eating my Leola root -- and they didn't eat it all gone, damn it!" Then he went to his bedroom to undress and said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed -- and she's still here!"

Sitting down on the bed and uncovering the startled GoldiKes, the great big Maquis Commander said, "Please, won't you stay in my bed?" GoldiKes looked him up and down and said, "I'm sorry, but your -- bed -- is too hard."

The great big Maquis officer saw the alarmed look on GoldiKes' face, and tried to reassure her, but she ran out the door.

GoldiKes fled down the corridor and into the quarters of the middle-sized ensign. Seeing that nobody was home, and a bowl of Leola Root sat on the table, she helped herself. But when she took a bite, she grimaced. It was much too cold. GoldiKes decided to lie down and finish her nap.

Just as she fell asleep, the middle-size ensign returned from his drill, and sat down to eat his breakfast. He looked at the bowl and said, "Hey, somebody's been eating my Leola Root, and they made a mess." Disgusted, he went to his room to undress and take a nap. As he walked to the bed he said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed -- and she's still here!"

GoldiKes startled awake and stared at the ensign. "Please, won't you stay and share my bed," the middle-size ensign pleaded. GoldiKes looked sorrowfully at the ensign and said, with all the gentleness she could muster, "I'm sorry, but your ... bed ... is too soft." Then she climbed out of his bed and left. The middle-sized ensign's inner light dimmed noticeably.

Tired and very hungry, the luminous Ocampan girl entered the quarters of the wee small Talaxian morale officer. There she found another bowl of Leola Root. Without much enthusiasm, she sat down to eat it, and found that it was neither too hot nor too cold. She ate it up, and went straight to the bedroom to nap. As she lay down on the mattress, it bounced pleasantly. She soon drifted to sleep, a content look on her face.

Soon, the wee small Talaxian officer entered his quarters, tired and very hungry. As he walked to the table he stopped and said, "Somebody's been eating my Leola Root -- and they liked it!" The wee small morale officer, happy as could be, decided to forego breakfast and take a nap.

Undressed, he walked toward his bed and stopped. "Oh, dear," he said. "Somebody's sleeping in my bed. What a good morning this is!" He tiptoed over to the sleeping GoldiKes, and gently covered her up.

His slight movements woke her, and GoldiKes sat up. "My dear," said the wee small Talaxian moral officer, "don't you fret, now." I can see that you were hungry and tired. You just stay and take my bed, while I prepare you some more Leola Root."

GoldiKes looked him up and down and said, "Thank you for your generosity, but I have to leave."

The wee Talaxian looked crushed. "But, whatever for? Wasn't my Leola Root the right temperature? Wasn't my bed just right?"

GoldiKes smiled her serene Ocampan smile and replied, "Yes, your ... bed ... is just right, but I hate Leola Root and I couldn't possibly share a bed with someone who wakes up as cheerful and talkative as you." With that, she granted the wee small officer a kiss on the cheek, and left.

As GoldiKes walked down Voyager's corridor, she encountered a tall, dark, figure, carrying a bowl of Leola root. He took one bite, threw it in the nearest food dispenser, and said, "I shall have to pronounce Mr. Neelix's Leola Root a lethal weapon. Perhaps we could give it to the Borg."

GoldiKes walked up to him and said, "Tell me, tall dark security officer, what kind of ... bed ... do you have?" The tall dark security officer looked at her delicately upturned ears and replied, "I'm sure you'll find it sufficient. Are you tired?"

GoldiKes smiled, shook her head, and walked with the tall officer to his quarters, where they mind-melded happily ever after, and never ate Leola Root again. As for comfort of the security officer's ... bed ... well, GoldiKes slept very little, but she never complained.

The End