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Fractured Fairy Tales

Chak And The Beanstalk (Version #1)

Once upon a time there lived a first officer on a star ship that was trapped many light years from home in a far off quadrant of the galaxy. At one time this officer, called Chakotay, had been an Angry Warrior, a leader of men and women in a rebellion against injustice. He had engaged in brutal combat with his enemies, and had romanced women from one end of the Alpha Quadrant to the other. Now, his leadership duties had been usurped by a new captain, and his status as space stud had been taken over by a little pipsqueak Admiral's son. Chakotay had been reduced to writing up status reports and shooting longing looks at his beloved captain, Kathryn Janeway. He couldn't help but feel that in the years since he had accepted Janeway's officer to make him her first officer, and to integrate his Maquis crew into her hers, that he had lost his ball.... er, his balance.

One day Chakotay sat in his chair on the bridge twiddling his thumbs and snickering as he observed Tom Paris' receding hair line, when a New Crisis (tm) arose on his ship, "Voyager." Captain Janeway casually asked Ensign Kim how much deuterium the ship had left to fuel the engines. Kim looked up from his work station and replied in his best gung ho manner, "About a week's worth, Captain!" There was total silence on the bridge. "A week's worth, Ensign?" "Yes, ma'am," Kim answered cheerfully, happy to get this much attention from the captain. Lately, she'd been ignoring him and the rest of the crew in favor of her favorite new reclamation project, Seven of Nine.

In a deceptively mild tone, Janeway queried, "Ensign Kim, is it not your job to monitor fuel supply?" When he answered in the affirmative, she asked him how long he had known the supply was dwindling. "About six weeks, Ma'am!" Janeway then inquired in a deadly quiet tone that made Chakotay sink low into his seat, "Then why didn't you tell me supplies were that low six weeks ago?" "Well," he said happily, still clueless about what was about to happen, "you didn't ask, and last time I spoke to you without your speaking first, you confined me to quarters for a week and took away my clarinet privileges for a month."

The bridge remained eerily silent for about 30 seconds.

"SENIOR OFFICERS -- in the staff room. Now!"

The officers spent an hour going over the available data, and found that the news was grim indeed. After four years in the Delta Quadrant, supplies were running perilously low, and, if the crew could not find new energy sources within a week, the ship faced the possibility of going dark. Forever.

Janeway looked around the table. "Suggestions?" Chakotay started, "Well, Captain, I ...," B'Elanna said, "Perhaps we could...," and Tuvok began, "What about ....," when Janeway interrupted. "Well, since no one has any suggestions, I think it is clear that our only choice is to form another alliance with the Borg, and perhaps blow up a planet or two along the way and see if there is any deuterium present in their core. Dismissed."

"Uh, Captain, if I may, don't you think you're being just a tad hasty?," Chakotay interjected. Janeway gave him The Look. "Really Commander, must you continually second guess me? No one else has offered any other course of action."

"Captain, I believe we do have a more appropriate option," stated Seven of Nine. Janeway beamed. At last someone she trusted had offered an opinion. Seven continued, smirking a little at the others with their puny brains. "I have determined that we are nearing the planet Chevronus, where I believe we will be able to obtain enough fuel to allow us to continue our journey for some time. The planet is populated by species 19.95 plus tax, known in your language as 'Walmartians.'"

Neelix spoke up. "Yes, Captain, I have heard of these people. They are well known throughout the quadrant for buying in bulk, so they can offer low prices. They've driven a few of the smaller "Mom and Pop" trading species out of business with their success."

Janeway looked back to Seven, "And you believe we can purchase deuterium from these Walmartians?"

"We should be able to purchase sufficient quantities to solve our immediate needs, yes Captain. Provided that we can find something of sufficient value to trade them."

"Okay, what do we have to trade?"

Tom smirked, "What about giving them Harry?"

Janeway stared at Harry for a long moment. Harry finally said, nervously, "Um, Captain?" She snapped, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!" then she gave an insincere little laugh, "of course, I'm kidding -- just going along with Mr. Paris' little joke, Mr. Kim." To herself she thought, "Even we could get them to take him, they'd probably chase us down and make us take him back."

B'Elanna spoke up. "Captain, we do have one remaining shuttle. Perhaps the people of Chevronus could use it to transport goods to each of its trading posts."

"Excellent idea, Lieutenant. Tom, when we arrive in Chevronus' orbit, prepare to take the shuttle down to the surface and negotiate with these Walmartians. Oh," she leaned over his shoulder, and said in a voice only he could hear, "you've been working really hard lately. I'm very proud of you. While you're down there, why don't you buy yourself something pretty."

Chakotay coughed. "Captain, if you please. I believe I should take the shuttle down and negotiate with the Walmartians, rather than Lieutenant Paris."

Janeway looked startled. "You, Commander? Why?"

"The people of my tribe are known for their skills at negotiating and trading throughout the ages. I believe I can channel the wisdom of my people and come up with a most handsome deal." When Janeway and the others continued to look skeptical, he went on. "You recall how a group of Native Americans sold Manhattan Island to Peter Minuit for a few beads and other trinkets." They all nodded yes. "Well, what isn't as well known is that my people bought the island back two days later for a pair of wooden shoes and a carton of Dutch Masters cigars, although we subsequently lost it through some poor investments on Wall Street."

"I'm impressed Commander. Alright, you are in charge of this mission. Lieutenant Paris, you pilot the shuttle, because God knows we can't risk our only shuttle by putting Chakotay behind the whe...." she trailed off, as Chakotay got a hurt look on his face. "I mean we want the Commander to be fresh as he begins his negotiations. Dismissed."

A few days later, Chakotay and Tom took the shuttle down to the surface of Chevronus. They quickly found the planet's main trading post, and were ushered inside by an elderly member of the Walmartian species, wearing a blue smock that proclaimed his name was Fred. While Tom strolled off to check out the trading post's supply of Rogaine (and to buy the Delaney sisters the chocolate bars and hosiery he had promised them), Chakotay made his way to the manager's office.

Before he could get there, however, he was stopped along the way by a stranger. "Psst -- you there, with the funky birth mark. Come over here."

Chakotay paused. "Actually, it is a tattoo."

"Whatever. Look, you don't want to deal with the manager. He won't buy your shuttle from you anyhow. Ever since Chevronus signed a free trade agreement with some other planets last year, the Walmartians have been complaining that we're losing jobs to the next planet over, Marsico. The trading post has adopted a 'Buy Chevronus' only policy."

"Damn," said Chakotay. He hated to return to the ship as a failure. He wondered if there was a way to pin the whole thing on Tom ....

"Don't worry, bud. I'll buy your shuttle from you. And I'll give you something pretty special for it."

The stranger held out his hand, which contained five small round objects. Chakotay was intrigued. "What are they?," he asked the stranger.

"They are the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra. They are prized throughout the galaxy for their ability to bring riches and honor to the one who possesses them."


"Yes, precious things throughout the galaxy are inexplicably drawn to the orbs -- " the stranger named several substances that Chakotay had never heard of, and then said the magic word, "deuterium."

"Did you just say the orbs will bring deuterium?" he said excitedly.

"Most assuredly," the stranger stated. He could see that Chakotay was still wavering, and he added, "There is also one other benefit to the orbs. Women find men who own the Viagran orbs irresistible. For some reason, they enhance the masculinity of the men who own them. They are stronger, braver," he paused for dramatic effect, "more sexually potent."

Chakotay quickly held out the keys to the shuttle. "Deal!"

As he walked away from the stranger, Chakotay wondered if he should have been suspicious about the fact that the stranger knew about his mission, and whether the orbs were in fact magic. However, confident of his proven ability to make accurate snap judgments about a person's character and integrity, he quickly shrugged off these errant thoughts. He called Tom, and they contacted Voyager and requested to be beamed up.

As Q watched Chakotay walk away from him, he also had several thoughts. The major one being, "What a chucklehead. I don't know what Kathy sees in him."

When he got back to the ship, Chakotay strode proudly up to the bridge, confident that he had made the best deal possible for the ship and his captain. The stranger was right -- the magic orbs had lent him a confidence in his abilities and in his virility that he hadn't felt in a very long time.

Janeway looked up in expectation when Chakotay entered, heartened by his obvious good humor. "Well, Commander, were you able to purchase sufficient deuterium for us to continue on our way?"

"No, Captain. I bought something far more valuable."

Janeway looked perplexed. "But Commander Chakotay, at this point nothing is more valuable to Voyager than restocking our deuterium supplies."

Chakotay proudly extended his hand, and revealed to her the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra.

Janeway stared at the Orbs. Then she blinked. Then she looked up at Chakotay, and choked out, "You traded our only shuttle for a handful of beans?"

Chakotay said quickly, "They aren't beans, Kathryn! They are the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra. With them, we will soon have all the deuterium we need!" (And I'll be able to quit taking so many cold showers, he thought to himself).

Just then Neelix passed by, and being curious by nature, the Talaxian glanced down to see what the Commander was holding in his outstretched hand. Neelix clapped his hands with glee, and said, "Oh, thank you Commander Chakotay! I haven't wanted to say anything until we resolved this deuterium crisis, but we are also running dangerously low on leola root. I see you picked up some of the smaller roots which I can plant in Kes' old garden!"

Suddenly Chakotay lost that heady feeling of power and confidence. Neelix's words had the power of a hundred cold showers. Janeway was so distressed that she couldn't look at the Commander as she walked off. She went up to Tuvok and agreed that they would begin their Plan B -- finding a seemingly friendly alien vessel, inviting their crew onto Voyager, offering them free access to any and all classified security information with the hope that they could solve the fuel problem and get Voyager home.

A disheartened Chakotay crept back to his quarters, too upset to take any pleasure in the sight of B'Elanna slamming Tom up against the wall because he brought presents back for the Delaney sisters, and his whiny "but sweetums, I brought you back some scented bubble bath and a stone to sharpen your bat'leth." When Chakotay got to his room, he tossed the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra into the corner, and fell into his bed.

Chakotay was dreaming peacefully. He was in the middle, in fact, of his favorite dream. The Delaney sisters, wearing costumes that would make William Ware Theiss blush, were serving cocktails and appetizers to the bridge crew. Tom Paris was in the dog house -- literally. A little red structure with the word "Tom" was sitting in the corner, and Tom was inside playing with his TNG action toys. Captain Chakotay of the Starship Voyager had the dog house custom built for his favorite former Maquis. And Captain Chakotay's executive officer was, at this point, sitting in his lap, chewing gum and twirling her long, long auburn hair around one finger. "Chak, sweetie, I'm bored. Can't we go to your quarters and play "the Bandito and the Maiden" some more?"

Suddenly, Chakotay awoke. Something was not normal. He was in his quarters. That was normal. He was sexually frustrated. That was VERY normal. He heard the rattle of a single maraca. That was not normal. He looked around the room, and then he saw it. In the spot where he had thrown the orbs the night before, stood a tall green root or stalk, thrusting upward toward the ceiling. Actually the root appeared to go through the ceiling, disappearing into a shimmering glow of light at the top of the ceiling.

Chakotay's first thought was, "How phallic."

His second was, "I wonder if this has anything to do with the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra?" He suddenly noticed where the noise was coming from. Slithering about half way from the ceiling on the stalk, slowly going up towards the shimmering light, was his spirit guide, a snake he called "Katie." (Chakotay always re-named his spirit guide for his current amour; it made him feel closer to the guide. Thus, over the years Katie had been called everything from Madeline, to Ginger, to Seska, to Tom, but that is for another kind of fairy tale).

Katie had her tail wrapped around a bright red maraca, and she seemed to be beckoning him to follow her up the giant stalk. The stalk was covered with rings of vines holding small beans that looked like the original Five Magic Orbs of Viagra, and would be easy to climb. Chakotay suddenly knew that he must do as Katie asked, and he began to climb the stalk. As he reached the ceiling, he took a deep breath and went through the shimmering light.

As he pulled himself to the other side of the light, he found that he had been transported to a planet of some sort. He gently put his foot down on the green grass and let go of the stalk. Katie was slithering in the direction of a large gray castle. Curious, Chakotay followed her.

The two stopped in front of the door. Chakotay knocked once. He knocked twice. No one came, but on his third and final try, the door creaked open, and Katie slithered in. Unsure, but determined to be no less brave than his guide, Chakotay pushed through the doorway and entered the castle.

But once in, he could no longer see Katie. Afraid to call out, he tried to look for her quietly. Suddenly a large booming voice startled him, "What are you doing here?" Chakotay twirled around, only to see that the voice belonged to a large handsome woman who looked a lot like someone he had once met when he was in Starfleet, Lwaxana Troi. She acted like her too, for the minute she saw Chakotay from the front, her manner changed. "I mean, who knew this was my lucky day?" She rushed over to him, and started rubbing and squeezing his shoulders as if she was sizing him up for her next meal. "My, my," she gushed. "What a nice big tattoo. Can I do anything for you, young man?"

Not really wanting anything from this woman, but curious about his guide and about the meaning of all this, Chakotay stuttered out, "er, I could use something to drink if it is no trouble."

"Oh, no trouble at all," she exclaimed. I'll just run out to the kitchen and have the maid fix us some tea. Oh, and I suppose I should warn you though," she paused. "You might want to avoid my husband." His relief at finding out she was married was tempered by her next words. "He's an ill-natured oaf, and I'm afraid he has a teensy weensy little dietary habit that might affect you."

"Which is?" he inquired politely.

"His favorite dish is Native American."

"You mean he likes the traditional dishes of my people, those that use ingredients like maize and wild game?"

"No, I mean he likes to eat Native Americans. Sautéed, fried, baked, smothered in Alfredo sauce, you name it. And I'm afraid that since very few American Indians end up in this quadrant, it has been a while since he's had his favorite meal. In other words, lay low."

Chakotay gulped.

Just then he heard heavy footsteps. The woman hissed, "Hide over there! I'll try to distract him." Chakotay fled behind some heavy draperies. He felt something wrap around his ankle, and looked down to find Katie. The guide seemed to give him a gentle squeeze as if to reassure him."

"Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Indian!" Chakotay could not imagine a body large enough to house that voice. He snuck a peak out of the curtain and then wished he had not. The man was a giant, two or three times the size of Chakotay.

The man's wife spoke up in an angry voice, "I keep telling you, the term 'Indian' is not PC. The correct term is 'Native American.'"

"PC, schmee cee. I was this way when you married me. Back then you thought my language was cute and colorful. Now all you do is nag, nag, nag."

The two fought back and forth for several minutes, before the giant remembered his original point. Dinner. "Hey, quit trying to change the subject. Do I or do I not smell and Indian?"

His wife laughed, "Oh, please. You're always smelling Indians. When was the last time you saw an Indian way out here? You and your imagination. Now you sit right down in your favorite chair, and I'll fix you a nice drink and get you some deuterium snacks to tide you over until dinner is ready."

Deuterium snacks? Chakotay wondered if perhaps the small orbs the stranger sold him would turn out to be the solution to Voyager's problems after all. After a few minutes, the wife came back into the room carrying a bottle of something, and a golden hen, which she placed on the table. The woman patted the hen on the head a couple of times, and out popped eggs that looked to Chakotay's eyes to be solid crystallized deuterium. He watched as the giant popped a couple of the eggs in his mouth, and crunched happily. The giant then drank a large glass of the spirits his wife had brought to him. When she left the room, the giant fell into a deep sleep.

Seeing his chance, Chakotay silently came from behind the curtain, grabbed the miraculous hen, and ran towards the door and the stalk beyond. He might have made it, but the hen's squawking woke the giant. He saw Chakotay and yelled, "Hey! An Indian is stealing my hen! Thief! Oh, and wife, bring me some ketchup!"

Just as Chakotay neared the stalk, he looked back and saw his spirit guide dragging a magic harp. Attached to the front of the harp was the figure of a small woman. Chakotay stated in surprise, "Kes! Is this where you went? And I thought in the original story, Jack went back up the beanstalk later and got the magic harp."

"Yes. When TPTB told me I was going to be transported to a higher existence, I didn't know they wanted me to come up here and do the Harpo Marx thing. I want to go back to Voyager! Oh, and Jack did go up the stalk a couple of times, but this parody is already too long as it is, so the snake and I decided to cut some corners."

Chakotay was so absorbed in Kes' story that he forgot the giant was chasing them. He looked up and saw that he was near. Chakotay placed his spirit guide on his shoulders, told Kes to hang on to his neck, and with the hen under one arm, he climbed down the stalk as quickly as possible.

Back in Chakotay's quarters at the bottom, however, the Commander discovered that their troubles were not over. The stalk began to quiver as if carrying a great weight, and they all looked up to see that the giant was coming down the stalk himself! Chakotay looked around, and grabbed his phaser off the nightstand, thinking to break the stalk in half and cause the giant to fall to his death. He aimed at the stalk, fired, and within a split second, the stalk disappeared as if it had never been, taking with it the giant and the beam of light at the ceiling.

Chakotay stared at the place where the stalk had been and wondered if he had dreamed the whole thing. The Five Magic Orbs of Viagra were sitting where he had tossed them the night before and his spirit guide was gone. As he looked around his quarters, however, he saw Kes, now detached from the harp, standing there full grown and as beautiful as ever. Beside her sat the hen, who was, if he was not mistaken, currently in the process of laying a deuterium egg.

Chakotay picked up the hen and her new egg, grabbed Kes' hand, and headed for the bridge to share his adventures with Kathryn and the rest of the crew.

When the group arrived on the bridge, the rest of the crew happily embraced Kes and asked how this miracle had occurred. Well, except for Harry, who embraced the hen, because it reminded him of his pet chicken back on Earth, Spot.

Chakotay went to the captain, and placed the deuterium egg in her hands. "Kathryn, our troubles are over. Thanks to the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra, I was able to travel to a mysterious place and find a hen who will provide us with an endless supply of deuterium."

And they lived happily ever after.

Especially Chakotay. For the stranger had been correct. Apart from bringing him honor and glory and the respect of the crew, the Five Magic Orbs of Viagra did seem to have increased his virility and attractiveness to women. On the day he returned with the magic hen, Janeway had to peel the Delaney sisters off of him as they thanked him -- but not before Megan slipped the entry code to her quarters in his pocket. One day he made an off hand comment to Kes about how much he had liked her in her "Warlord" outfit, and now she hardly took it off, although she often tried when they were alone. Seven of Nine was constantly approaching him with some problem, giggling and saying, "My little ole brain just can't understand these big ole numbers, could you help me Commander?" B'Elanna was still dating Tom, but she suggested on more than one occasion that he come see her sometime to discuss old times in the Maquis. And Tom -- well, he often made the same suggestion.

But Chakotay was a one woman man, and that woman was Kathryn. On the night he had returned with the hen, he entered her quarters and found her sitting in the bathtub he had built for her on New Earth. She wore nothing but some bubble bath and a smile.

The End